IfBlackLivesMatter

Why Don't The Ones Lost at Dozier?

By V. Martin

First, thank you so much for being brave enough to come forward with these heart wrenching experiences suffered by so many children over such a long period of time while in the care of the state of Florida. From what I understand this so called "school" for boys was really a prison for children where even adult prisons took better care of their murderers and rapist. The boys at Dozier were hardly that going in, some justpicked up off the street never to be seen again. Mostly young African Americans living in poverty with little education. For over a hundred years this school was open, just closing in 2011, and yet there are no living surviving workers? Other then the one armed man? This fact alone I find very disturbing or is it fact? Who has tried to track these people down? How can all of them be dead? It doesn't surprise me that there are so few actual survivors from the students that went there. The statistics from that place are probably even more disturbing, better they are all dead or changed their identity maybe even their sex to go undetected. Who knows, clearly I do not but I do know enough to form some pretty good ideas of what went on there. 

The small number of survivors that have some how gathered the courage to finally tell what they endured during their unfortunate time there deserve nothing but our admiration and undying gratitude and support. You my friends are so brave to bare your souls so shamelessly when shame parellized you for so long. Not your shame but your abusers, their shame that through their abuse became yours. Thank you for not letting it go on any longer, you have saved countless lives. It seems to me that the state of Florida can and should do better by these families that through DNA lost loved ones at Dozier. It doesn't matter who killed them because the only ones responsible are the grown ass adults that at some point had received training on how to care for these kids. If in fact some of the kids did the killing, I have a feeling they were made to do it by the staff to ensure their silence. Kids are so impressionable especially if put in a place like Dozier where they are told there is only one way out and that is to kill on of the other boys. Or maybe something like that, how else does a place like that stay under the radar for over 100+ years? 

These are boys being raped by men hired and paid to care for them by the state of Florida. Parents were made to believe their sons turned killer then had to be killed was at dozier for smoking in the boy's room at school. The survivors referred to orphans that sometimes got sent there simple because there was no other place to put them and probably none of them ever left there. I believe these to be the bones of the ones they hunted like animals and killed then left where they died. Some of the bones where fragments, why would a skull be in so many different pieces? Animals don't do that to a skull except one; man. These are bones that have been exposed to all kinds of elements, sure, but the damage I saw there is no doubt these kids had their faces smashed in. They went from the "White House" to a white cardboard box no bigger then a medium flat rate box at the post office.  These families are never going to be made whole nor do they expect to make money off their relatives pain and suffering but what the fuck? Who knows what these young men would have become or how much money they would have been able to earn if not for their untimely death. Why should continue to say the worlds but not back it up with any action? 

Isn't it about time we give the same value to all kids, not just the ones that come from wealthy white families. These boys, for the most part, didn't stand a chance one way or another they were going to be made to wish they were dead if they weren't really. Anyway, my point is this, if we as a society continue to claim that black lives matter we better start putting our money where our mouths are and fork over some cash. It may sound materiallistic but damn it that's better then what they got. There isn't that many maybe 14? Their families, the victims whose remains fit in a little box, should not want for anything in the state of Florida. These families had children basicly kidnapped off the street, in some cases, only to be returned to their loved ones 75+ years later in a white card board box no bigger then what you would ship a hat in. This is what we deem fair? Talk about adding insult to injury! SHAME ON FLORIDA!!!! Florida murdered these children just the same as if they kicked the living shit out of them itself and everyone living there is condoning it!! Of, course there were more then 14 unmarked graves if I remember correctly they found over 50 possible grave sights whith how many grave in each we will never know because there are no more survivors to claim or run DNA against to find a match. These are the orphansor foster kids that the state sent to Dozier for no other reason then to be rid of them and Dozier had a great record for making them disappear. It was a win win as they say with the only looser dead at the end of the day killed by one of the boys so no one will want to investigate because it was a disposable child one that won't be missed. 

2011 and there are no staff members still alive save one with one arm who claims that the boys killed each other. If they killed someone were they then sent to prison? Was there a trial, who were these child killers and what happened to them and more importantly were are they now? Why would everyone be dead? Especially the kids why would they all have died already if not from suicide in which case the school is still killing its wards. There is no way so many lives were lost without their knowledge. For instance the fire that broke out and killed several of the boys but no guard was injured in trying to save them of put out the fire. Was there even an investigation as to what started it and why some of the boys didn't escape but rather parished in the burning building. Did one of the boys start this fire and if so why? Was there any attempt to even find out? Fire can be a precursor for a future serial killer and imagine Dozier produced a few. It would be interesting to find out the numbers.

What parent doesn’t want to pass on all their knowledge to their children before they die? I assume all of you and even those who have never had children still find themselves wanting to do the same. I am of the latter, childless, but not so in my heart all children are mine. Not in some weird creepy way but in an understanding of what a responsibility it is to be an adult and what that means to a child. Honesty, is the number one characteristic above all others children respond to the most. Even when the news of the situation is negative and dire children respond the way they have been taught to and panicking never wins. Panicking wastes a lot of valuable time and should be avoided at all costs. If panic does set in and talking them out of it sensibly and directly fail a sharp slap in the face or clapping ones hands right in front of their face or ears may bring them around. Most children are far smarter and adaptable then we give them credit for. 

Having spent most of my childhood in foster care, in Arizona, I have some intimate knowledge of the child care system and what that can do to a child. For six years I went from foster home to foster home mostly abusive in one way or another but none more then my Momster’s version of a family. Fortunately, for me, I had a father that had custody of me for a short time when I was four, even though his third wife and her daughter hated me and pushed me down the stairs I was my father’s daughter. Level headed, honest, hard headed, smart, and logical. Unfortunately, for me, my father’s third wife had it out for me so when they called telling her that my mother gave me up for adoption she didn’t pass on the message to my father. After a certain period of time and so many attempts to contact him, I entered the foster care system with my half brother, Keven. At first, no I am still in shock that she could do this to us and I am now 53, at any moment now she will come through the door. She would smell of sunshine and cigarettes with some lame excuse as to why she took so long but all was well now that she was there. Of course it was!!!! Gone? You were gone? Hardly even noticed now that you are back but every time it happens I remember more and more of the times you are not there. Now I can hardly remember the times you were there and they all include my brother who is no longer here and I cannot afford to lose those memories since we cannot make more. So more good news from the side effects of being familyless, it’s not even a word so unusual it is to put those two words together. 

For as long as I can forget they have been telling me to shut up and put up and for just as long I have been telling them to make me. My brother did when he cut my tongue with the scissors but I’m not sticking my tongue out this time. My ex boyfriend’s campaign to make me negative almost worked in shutting me up but for the fact that it is a negative statement to begin with. Besides the truth is what it is, it’s the people creating the situations that determine wether the out comes are negative or positive. Some people want everyone to win even if it means they lose. So someone is losing but what if none of us are losers? What if all things are relevant they just haven’t found out where they are real yet. To be real the decisions we make must be relevant but what if our timing is all off? Or another way to look at it is, we are not aligned with the rest of the universe, we are trying to fight when we should surrender. We are trying to nurture with a hammer put down the hammer and pick up a gallon of ROh2o and go water a tree that isn’t already dead. 

It sounds silly, I know, but if we don’t no one will be laughing for a very long time, if at all ever again. DO YOU NOT GET IT? WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! We need to set up vertical gardens now, we need to get off the grid and do very little until the planet stabilizes then we need to be very careful how we procede from there. For now we need to put down the hammer and drill, we need to put on the breaks and store our vehicles for a year or two. We need to do a lot less spending on stupid shit that is not necessary. Communities need to be self sustaining and in harmony with Mother Nature. There isn’t anything save but food, shelter, and clean pure water and air that we cannot learn to live without and so we shall. My opinion is that it will be a lot less painful if we voluntarily start giving up some of the things we can live without instead of waiting until it’s too late. Too late in this case will be fatal, not just to me and you but to all living things as we know them. 

Has it been so long since the last volcano  explosion, the last tornadoes, fires, earthquakes and any other natural disaster that we do nothing about the pending doom heading straight for us? I thought my short term memory was short but societies short term memory simple does not exist. No wonder we are in such trouble, we have no memory at all short or long. We do not want to be bothered by memories when they get in the way of what we think progress is. When it comes to making money, nothing stands in the way. When it comes to flexing our countries muscles no resource is protected not even human beings. When a country puts money before it’s people to the point the people have a price tag and depending on the color of your tag dictates your value within that society. 

Unfortunately, having a foster kid in the neighborhood does nothing for the property value just like a black male. We are a high risk factor that should be kept an eye on. When the whole community is on watch it brings them together to have a common enemy and foster kids are an easy target. So I can understand why the surrounding communities knew nothing of what was going on at Dozier and the ones that did were probably related to the staff or part of the staff. It really isn’t surprising that it went on for so long because what else did they have? These are troubled teens on drugs, drop outs, juvenile offenders some with criminal records almost all without a father and some even without a mother. The orphans got it the worst, they were hunted and killed like animals by the other boys made to be there. It is my belief that the staff at that hell hole made those boys kill one another. It is another way they got away with it for so long, turn your victims into the monster they fear; yourself. Everyone wants to pass their knowledge to the next generation. Dozier was a school but not a reform on but one on pain, suffering, serial killing. My belief is that they trained serial killers at that school and harbored them after their killings when the heat was on. It is why serial killers are so hard to catch, they go back to their beginning where they always have plenty of victims. Not as much fun, killing the willing. Well, let’s just say they didn’t put up much of a fight.

The unwanted never want to live not like the loved ones do and even less then the ones that are loving. One even claimed to love him, once. That made him more angry then he had ever been in his life, how fucked up is that? Loving the one who is going to take take your life in the most painful grotesque way? Pretty fucked up, I would say and just did. Ha! Boys, boys and more boys to kill in any and every way he could think of and he has thought of some really beautiful ways.

None more so then what he did to that young doctor and his wife. His wife in the fact she lost her life and the husband in the fact that he got home in the not so nick of time to save his wife but to see a one armed man fleeing the scene. The husband is accused, tried, and convicted of the murder serving years before he is released once DNA proves he didn’t do it. The TV program is close to the story but for the fact that Dr. Shepard goes on the run rather then face life in prison but to try and clear his name by finding the one armed man. My idea is that he couldn’t find him because he was back in the arms of the place that made him, Dozier. A lab for serial killers, a vocational school for mass murders. If you’re not disturbed when you arrive never fear fear will change all that with a lot of terror thrown in for good measure. You will be raped by the staff and other kids, made fun of, laughed at, tortured, starved, beaten, hunted, until you are willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything! That anything was committing crimes against the other boys maybe even murder. You do not want to but if you don’t… 

The staff, that let this go on and even participated in the torture and rape of these young men are deplorable and should be tortured in the same way only that is probably why they are the way they are. No one will be held accountable for any of the murders or suicides that went on there nor will we ever know the true number of victims that place claimed. Not just because they didn’t keep any real records but because alligators and crocodiles live in the Everglades and no body, no crime, no child, no justice, no grave, no marker, no name you simply did not even exist. The staff at Dozier knew exactly what they were doing and knew exactly how to get away with it. They turned out more then one serial killer I guarantee it but who is the question. The one armed man was one of them, I believe, he was a resident at the school for most of his life, hiding out there when his acts drew too much attention. 

It wouldn’t surprise me if he couldn’t come and go as he pleased without so much as one staff member knowing. There were times when the staff would not be on board with his activities but that would change it always did. People are so susceptible especially the disposable ones they want so badly to be loved they don’t care by who. They not only make perfect victims they make perfect future serial killers. It’s all in the training. It’s not as hard as one would think to create a killer that wants and even likes to kill. Certain things are required but not limited to… what those things are I can only guess. This book explores a little bit of the serial killer phenomenon that seems to have gripped this country.

 

If need be President Biden should step in to talk some sense into all of us.  Or not.                                                                                                                                                             

AnimalsNeedPotableWaterToo

They Have Fewer Places To Drink

By V. Martin

Not too long ago I wrote about how the wild animals have smaller and smaller areas to hunt, that they are starving. After camping along a river populated with campers and fisherman(person?). There was no place for animals to get a drink from this river for many many miles if at all. With the fires raging almost year round their opportunities for food and water grow slimmer and slimmer. I get that we want to do what ever we feel is our God given right but seriously the animals were here before us. Why in all our infinite wisdom do we continue to do stupid things? We don't want to be confined or restricted but we don't want to be responsible for the damage living our lives the way we do does. It is no joke when they say that everything is connected, that it's all relative. Einstein was no slouch, one of the greatest minds of our time and we ignore his warnings everyday. So what was the point? If no one wants to pay attention, back to everything as it was, back to destroying our only parent. God may be our Father, caretaker of our immortal souls but Mother Nature is caretaker of physical being and without our immortal souls have no place to learn. That is another thing, haven't we learned where not to be yet? Why do we continue to build in the way of her most horrific acts of weather? We know exactly what causes these storms and where yet we build right in its path then we're surprised when the houses are gone and some people are missing. This happens time after time and I believe Einstein describes this as the definition of crazy. To continue to do the same thing over and over yet each time expecting a different outcome. No, we have to do something different and now, not tomorrow now. 

We may have to sacrifice a few amenities, learn how to generate our own power as individuals for our personal needs. Like, mobil solor panels, light weight and flexable so you can fold them up and take them every where to use to charge your personal devices all day long. At night we can get our exercise by pedaling our stationary bikes(yes like Gilligan) to generate power for lights, TVs, and small appliances. Batteries or generator for water heater and stove all charged by solar panels during the day. Get creative but don't be stupid, safety first.

The idea of having smaller communities within larger ones all with different power needs for general community safety and commerce at night. Night should be kept to very few businesses just to cut back on so much light, not for criminals but for the animals. Think about how dark it must have been way back when, they still romed free, using their night vision to hunt. Now they get nothing but light but there are no more animals to really see anyway. It's not like they can go inside and cool off and  degree and a half is enough to wipe out nearly all the wide life that's left and that will lead to yet even more global warming. Much hotter and it won't be long before we are no more. How long do we think we can last without animals, fish, birds, bugs, basically all life but our own? I could only guess so I'm not going to.

Mother Nature maybe using this virus to keep us where she wants us, still, non polluting. Of course we are not listening too busy trying to get back to normal. HELLO! Normal is killing us!!!! We need to get busy making up the new normal and more then that living the new normal because yes even while staying home we are still living. Can you imagine what our great Grandparents did without the internet, without TV, without cars? Remember when people had to ride horses to get around? Or Sails were all they had to cross the Atlantic Ocean or any other for that matter? People use to play cards and board games, people use to gather around the piano and sing old songs really bad. Not everyone was Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. 

Maybe we just need to be still for a while in order to hear what Mother Nature wants us to do next. How else are we ever going to hear her answers if we never stop to listen? Just like sometimes we need to go back to the beginning to find out were we went wrong and choosing a different course going forward. 

If we don't stop with what isn't working how will we have room for new?

Think outside the box. Do we even know what that means? Do we even realize how hard it is to think differently? we should just by how hard it is to do anything different. We don't want to think or change but if we don't we die, plain and simple. That means off the grid we must go. That means living in a much smaller world then the one we currently live in. Flying for pleasure will be way too expensive for the majority of the population. Flying is only for emergencies and business, only. No more fining businesses when they cause a catastophic catastrophe. They need to be made to clean up the mess by any means necessary that doesn't do more harm then good regardless of the cost. The reason will be known and if found the disaster was preventable the guilty party will be put on trial and if found to be negligent will serve time. Mother Nature needs to be protected by any means possible and even some immossible ones if thet is what it takes.

There has to be something we can do even if it's doing nothing because every move we make puts another nail in the coffin of Mother Nature and her habitants. I for one will miss clean air to breathe, I do not look forward to suffocating eventually, on the very air that use to sustain us. I love pure water more then almost anything and don't look forward to using my shirt to filter out the ash and soot just to get a drop of disgusting not water water.

Already I miss the constant chirping of the birds, their silents is the biggest warning that the end is near I don't know what is. Maybe the fires that never go out any more and the mud slides because the burn scars aren't able to recover without the animals and bugs needed to reestablish brush, trees, wild flowers, berry bushes and other vegetation animals rely on for food and water. 

I don't live on the coast but I imagine our oceans are in a sorry state as well. No more eating fish people! We have to stop depleating our oceans at least for a while, sacrificies must be made! No more camp fires! Please stop camping all together, give Mother Nature a break. There is nothing more important right now then to save the planet and I for one will make the ultimate sacrifice when and if the time comes. Hopefully we will pull our asses out of our heads and it won't be necessary but if it is I have nothing to live for anyway. All I live for now is to try and come up with a viable solution people will listen to and adhere to as well. Outside the box. The big thing is think off the grid. Off the grid gives back to the people power and control over their own power. Tesla was right it should be free and we should be able to pull it right of the air and we do; solar and wind. 

Since lightning strikes the earth a lot of times all day and night shouldn't it be nothing but a huge battery? Bursting with energy? Yes it is that where we get volcanoes and earth quakes, why aren't we relieving her of this burden by sucking that energy right off the top? Maybe that is what we are here to do, to relieve the pressure built up by the constant bumbardment of lightning strikes. We need to figure out how to be the earths pressure gauge like that thing on the top of a prssure cooker letting out just enough energy to keep the whole thing from blowing up. See there's energy in just a simple pressure cooker. 

Clean animal friendly energy. Why did we decide on an energy that if put in closed quarters will kill any living organism. What did we think would happen eventually? Here we are facing what very well might be the end and all we care about is getting back to the normal we know is killing us and this planet. 

Zeus; Super Dog

RednosedReindeer 

By V. Martin (Zeus's pet human)

When I first got my dog So.b I couldn't believe how fast he trained me to do virtually everything for him. Here we are 11 years, possibly 12, and he still has me doing everything for him and I am more than happy to! This dog is my life, no doubt about it. Not only does he have me doing his bidding anyone who comes in contact with him for any amount of time ends up throwing a ball, rubbing his belly, holding on to the unknotted end of a rope so he can smack you with the knot when he shakes his head just so. You So.b lovers know what I'm talking about. By the way thank you for not letting your warped opinion of me influence your relationship with him. 

Fast forward to when I felt my life needed more, I needed another dog. My So.b was getting old and not wanting to go for walks, which is all I have, walking. So I put some feelers out for another fur baby to complete my furry family. At 53 I am way passed having any actual babies, biologically, anyway. I remember seeing a really cute dog on one of the pages of the local penny saver or whatever, he was sitting in the carving of wings chair located near the entrance to the town. This was before I STARTED LOOKING BUT NOW I'M SURE IT WAS HIM. I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER CHANGING THAT BUT I'M NOT YELLING, YET. 

Zeus was the most perfect example of a Rednosed Pitbull dog you will ever find. All his markings were perfect, his stance, the way he carried himself; regal. So why was he up for sale or rehoming? According to the lady I got him from, there was an incident with her 5 year old son. One that made her fearful enough to kennel him during the day until her husband came home. After having known this dog and his gentle nature I'm convinced she misread what had happened. I believe Zeus probably saved this boy from getting hurt the only way he knew how, by placing his mouth around the boys arm or some limb to prevent him from harm. The Mom, I believe walked in on this and not knowing the situation took at face value and assumed the dog was getting ready to harm the boy. The boy having been stopped from doing something bad doesn't want to get in trouble so blames the dog also and so the dog had to go.

This is not fact, this is just my assumptions after having the dog for 8 months. He was broken hearted at having lost his entire family in one day, not to mention the other 2 pitbulls they had. we tried to make him happy but he had an enlarged heart and passed away. 

Sometimes I think if I hadn't answered the ad he would still be happy at home where he belonged looking after his family. I really don't think he was capable of hurting anyone least of all his wards. Not to make them feel bad or anything but I need to make other people aware of the ways dogs save us because they have no hands. What would you have him do if he sees your child in harms way? The only thing a dog has to grab the kid id its mouth, not to bite but to lead out of harms way. If a pit bull wants to bite yoyr child chunks of them would be missing, their mouths are so big and when they bite down they don't let go until its dead. Its what they do its why they are bred. That and their easy going nature and their undying loyalty. Zeus had no idea why he was rehomed and to this day my heart goes out to him because I know to well what its like to lose everything and everybody, through no fault of your own. 

Now I could be wrong but everything tells me I'm not. So now in his memory, I will immortalize, the God of all dogs; Zeusafer! 

This is not the only picture I have of him but mostly they are on my phone so I'll add them later. This one does not do him justice. Nor me if I do say so myself. 

As humans we tend to not give our cohabitants, of this planet, any credit. We don't want to see the effects we directly have on  these defenseless animals. Just like we don't want to realize that pesticides and herbicides directly effect not only our physical health but our mental and sexual health as well. The only reason why I'm able to see how we are systematically rid ourselves of any and possible threats.

Still I can't recall ever seeing animals in any futuristic prediction or artist rendition of the future. They are all sterile and lifeless, kind of like space. That is exactly the oposite of what we are intented to do. There is enough lifelessness in space we need not add our own planet! We are suppose to bring life to the universe, light it up with color that only life's diversity can bring. When are we going to take our rightful place in the universe? Believe me when I say life not death not destruction but life in all its glory and perfection. Life is perfection and long as it can reach out and go where it knows it needs to to survive itself. Here we are stagnate, still, sitting is the new smoking so move we must!. 

Who among us will be the first to bend, fold, bridge or whatever new term it takes on; time travel we must or time needs to travel to us. Maybe that's it we can't travel through time but maybe time can travel to us. Just another stupid idea or not. Lets face it how ever it happens it isn't something that aliens can already do.  we may have to wait until the universe starts collapsing on itself and everything turns around and goes back where they came from. Of course by then we won't want to be that close. Distracted again!

Back to the universe. Have we tried sending anything as fast as we can get it going into a blackhole? I am not saying it will make a difference but if there is any chance at all in figuring out the universe blackholes may be a good place to look. How to get an object going that fast is up to smarter people then I am and thak god we have them. The more data we can collect of these sleeping giants the closer we may come to unlocking the mysteries of the univers and our own blue sphere. I'm just saying give it a thought. Please and thank you!

My ExBoyfriend Is Even More FuckedUP

ThenMyCurrentOne

by V. Martin

Bruce Landers is my ex boyfriend and I'm not proud it because he is a piece of shit that treated me like a piece of shit. He made me pay him rent when he had no morgage to pay. He made me clean up after him and kicked me out every other day. He also stole my ideas and benifits from them to this day. Bruce, whose idea was it to build another garage in your backyard bringing up the property value? Or whose idea was to elliminate the attic and  have vaulted ceilings in the kitchen with sky lights? Whose idea was it to use toe clips for your drum pedals that evolved into using magnates? Or whose idea was it to double tap last drum before going back the same way instead of skipping to the first drum which everyone does? Or to play with different sticks? Who thought of running pipes under a flag stone floor to heat the house using hot water running threw the pipes? Who thought up the idea to put a spring on a shovel? Who told you about ROH2o being the best water filtration system on the planet? Seriously, there were so many more that I can't remember them all. 

You used me for your own gain and then tossed me aside so as to not have to give me credit, let alone any money. You are the most selfish person I have ever met next to Jon but I believe you are coaching him. I did nothing but give to you and you gave nothing back. You are a piece of shit with a trust fund that gives nothing to society except what I shamed you into giving. 

There are no words to convey how bad you made me feel being with you. There was a time I seriously contemplated suicide rather then be subjected to your cruelty. I hope you are happy now without me because I really tried to make you love me but you aren't capable. I am not either. All you proved to me is that people are really pieces of shit if you have no one for them to answer to.

Please keep coaching Jon on how to be just like you. Felishia may live with you but she isn't really human but neither are you. Party on good people, spread the love you have none of. There is nothing you have that I want at this point so I don't bother you, I'm done but for some reason you are not. YOU CANNOT BRING ME DOWN!!!! I am invincible but I want you to give it one more shot. 

There is one thing that being a foster kid taught me and that's when people are against me. You are those people and I decalare war on you and Jon and whom ever else wants the living shit kicked out of them because I am ready to go to war against you and all those that follow.

Let me say that one more time; Bruce Landers is a piece of shit who uses people for his own amusement then discards them like trash, laughing at their misfortune for ever having trusted him in the first place. 

Bruce, I really loved you and you broke my heart. I gave you everything and you shit on me in return. You took my already fractured heart and shattered it into a million pieces after you promised you wouldn't. You made me believe in myself until you destroyed that too. Why? All I ever did was try to help you and all you did in return is use me then toss me aside. I never expected anything for my ideas but maybe a little gratitude but even that was too much. Now Jon is telling me about his idea for heating a house by having pipes run under a flag stone floor with hot water running through them heated by the sun. Whose idea was that? What about the idea I had for a firemans pole going from your room to your drum kit in the basement? 

Other then charge me rent and treat me like a slave you degraded me in front of other people. You never took me any where except maybe out to eat, you took my dog more places then me. You treated everyone better then you did me. You treated as though I was back in foster care and you were my foster whatever. The only reason you took into consideration my past is so you could use it against me to make me feel bad, like less then a human being even less then a dog. 

My only hope is that you still treat everyone better then you did me because at least then you can't make them feel as bad as you did me. At least you can't make them wish they were dead rather then living with you. 

Then there is always the fact that you threw most of my belongings away after I moved out and you wouldn't let me have them. You are a piece of shit who doesn't deserve even half of what you got. There is really only one reason why people are friends with you, if friend is even the right word. Only one reason and it isn't your personality fuck head!

MyBoyfriendIsSoFuckedUp

He Won't Help Me Leave

by V. Martin

Well, he's not really my boyfriend any more but he still won't help me get away from him. Probably because he's not done ruining me like he said he was going to do. The only problem with that is that I'm already ruined. I told him to get in line. I guess if he ruins me I won't want to leave? Is that what he thinks? If it is he is dead wrong, leaving is what I do when I'm not wanted, ask my momster, she'll tell you.

Jon Marshal Moore, ex school teacher, currently my prison warden. When I moved in with him 7 years ago when he was still teaching I had no car and no phone, at first. Everyday he would leave me here in BFE with no vehicle or job or even a friend, nothing. Day after day, isolated, with no hope of ever getting away. Eventually, I came to terms with it, that this was my life now with little to no hope of anything more. If it weren't for the fact that I went from one nightmare to another it may have been my undoing and Jon didn't care even the slightest. No, Jon liked the idea that I was trapped here and still am. He knows I can't leave him because I have no place to go and no money to get there. It is exactly as he wants it this way no one is the wiser when it comes to where he gets his ideas. MEMEMEME!!!! That's where! 

He wants everyone to believe he is doing society a favor by imprisoning me here, isolated so I can't do any harm. No, isolated so no one knows me doesn't even talk to me to get to know me so good is he at keeping people from even having a conversation with me. It's not that hard when you come from foster care, no one wants to know you because people like Jon and the rest of society want to blame us for everything so they can take all we have. Not only that the cops have a go to suspect pool for all the crimes they commit because foster care kids are preconditioned to confess to shit they didn't do. 

Society and it's so called servants of the people are just helping themselves then blaming some poor kid with no one and nothing not even a future to blame it on. Most foster kids kill themselves before 18 because that is when the system is done with them and gives them nothing to start their lives with. A few lucky, if you can call them that, get to stay in the system until they complate college or a vocational school as long as they have no behavior problems. Very few foster kids have no behavior problems and fewer still have no mental or emotional problems. Even I have all these, I'm just very very good at acting like I don't.

There is something I was never taught; how to be on my own no I know how to be alone I just don't know how to be independent.  Most of the men that help me don't want me to be independent because then I wouldn't need them. When you're a foster kid, even though I'm a grown adult, people only have you around for what ever they want from you usually sex because you are not allowed to have more. 

So disappointed was I to have to rely on my sex to survive. I never wanted to and I still don't but shy of being an out right hooker what else do I have? Nothing that anyone wants, obviously. No one wants me to succeed but I already have, they just don't know it because their idea of success is far different then a foster kids. I won't tell you what it is because I don't want to give myself away in case one of them reads this. Man and his stupid penis don't care to what lengths they have to go to reach their goal to get laid. Especially when it comes to getting it from a foster kid/adult. 

Everyone lies sometimes. If you came from the foster care system everyone lies to you all the time. If you question them on their lies they will tear you a new one making you feel as though lies are all should expect so why are you questioning them? What nerve! You are to not question anyone ever again, you are to just fall in line. Do not ever ever act like you are as good as everyone else because if you do everyone else will make sure you don't make that mistake again. You will find yourself on the street without anything if you think for a second you deserve the same as everyone else. You will not get it! You will get what ever it is people think you should have, nothing they want of course and for not very long. 

There are no words that exist to discribe the feelings a foster kid has because no adult has ever felt them. Even ones that have been through the system because the first thing you do as soon as you can is forget that feeling. 

He even tried to take my pride at having come up with the term 'selfie' back in 2005 when I worked at Great Scotts. He claims he was taking selfies at age 3, a picture of him in the tub with his arm reaching out in front of him was him asking his mother for the camera to take selfies with, apparently. Please, what parent is going to hand a 3 year old a camera let alone one that is in a bath tub? Why it is so important for him to even take that from me I will never know but I do know it didn't matter what it was he wasn't going to let me have it. 

He has stolen the very words out of my mouth and now they are his because he took them to his school where he passed them off as his own. The teacher he took my selfie claim from to this day hacks my computer for, Jon, spying on me and anything and everything I say or type. He has cameras and microphones all over the house so he can spy on me. I'm not exactly sure what he wants to catch me at. It's like living in a prison there is no escape from. It's hard to explain to people how he is able to keep me here like this but he does. For one he discredits me to everyone even my adopted Mom who found me after 35 years but it wasn't for me that she did this. If it were I wouldn't still be here, she would have helped me get away from this hell but she didn't. She only found me so she could blame me still for what she did; disown me. So with her motives and his being the same they hit it off and I once again have no one whose on my side or who believes me. So now I just have more enemies that want to see me in my grave before thiers. Do they think that they will find it earier to live with themselves when I'm not around? Well, how about die with themselves? There isn't anything that people can't live with but what can we die with? Me? I can die right now and face myself and my worldly deeds. Yes there is a lot I am ashamed of and very few things I am proud of but abandoning and/or disowning a child is not one of them. I never chose a man over the child that I adopted. Foresaking that child as soon as a man came along that wanted to marry me. Never did I choose to institutionalize my adopted daughter just because I wanted to create a history for the courts so I could disown her. Never did I lie to my parents so they would disown my adopted child making it easier for me to do so. Never did I lie to my new husband's daughters about my adopted child not wanting to be a part of our family when she really did. I never tried to have my adopted daughter arrested for stealing from the Jr Achievers when I wouldn't fall for the trap they set but had me kicked out anyway. Who disowns a Jr. Achiever for fuck sake? Probably no one but my momster. 

The fact that her and her husband that she left me for still blame me for them disowning me. There is nothing that I did to have warrented them doing what they did. They had decided that, I believe before they even got married. I knew my days were numbered because they never introduced me to his kids. Looking back I can see the times they were busy making sure we never met. Until 35 years later when she looks me up, due to an insurance policy I believe she had on me that matured when I turned 50. This should have been a sound investment, stacking the deck in their favor like they did by disowning me. The odds were already stacked against me when my real family gave me up for adoption but they really wanted a sound investment. This may sound unbelieveable to some people but these are not people that show their true selves to anyone. I mean numbers don't usually lie, do they? Statisticly, I should be dead by now, hell even I was counting on it. When you don't believe you have a future you tend not to plan for one and I sure didn't. Hell, I put myself in every high risk situation I came across. Short of pulling the trigger myself there is no reason why I am still here. Anyone else would have been killed long ago but not me I am indestructable! Seriously, lots of people have tried to kill me but failed, every single time. Isn't that right, Bruce? Isn't that right Jon?

All I can say is what I always say and that is that life likes me, it wants me here. For whatever reason, that has not been revealed to me yet but no one goes through what I have for no reason. Life has a plan for me, for this I am certain and all you would be killers just have to accept that fact or not. It doesn't matter because you don't count in the big sceme of things, sorry, but I do. Why else do you think I have so much confidence? Certainly not because of your unwavering support and belief in me. It's okay I don't need it after all. Many people have lied to me not only about what they were about but also about what they knew me to be about not wanting to encourage me.  It's a good thing I don't believe a word people say. 

Back to the cowards that keep trying to blame me for the fucked up shit they did to me, fuck off! Yes as a foster kid my tendency to blame myself is hard to resist, it's what we do but in doing so rob those truly responsible. Accountability really only means something if the people responsible take the blame for what they did. 

Like it didn't hurt enough the first time, they had to come back to finish the job. They must really want that insurance money! Too fucking bad, earn your money the old fashion way; work for it, Frank, you lazy fuck! You didn't and don't even like me why should you come up on my death? Just because you stepped in and warned my momster about all the horrible things foster kids do? You are one piece of work Frank Robert Hall, if that is even your real name. I wonder how many innocent people you have put in prison? How many of them were foster kids? I still say you started the fire you pulled those kids out of. 

Your whole family is a big pile of poop having conspired with you and my momster to get rid of me. WOW! What kind of people does that? It is amazing but doesn't surprise me, nothing people do surprises me any more. 

These are seemingly good people, everyone of them until it comes to me then they are not so nice. To me they were never relly nice just pretending to be in order to get along in life until they didn't have to. Finally I was there to unleash there cruelty on, not physically but in every other way. After looking me up my momster claimed to want nothing more then for me to be a happy, healthy, well adjusted confident person. Trying not to sound too sarcstic I asked how? How do I get back what they so intentially took from me? Can they give me back my childhood or the chance I thought I had after being adopted? My IQ is 137 for Christ sake, what was 3 years for some one with an IQ of 137? You rob the world of what ever great things I could have accomplished if given a stable and supportive family. You robbed me of the life I could have lived given my personality and true self. Shame on you for not only robbing society but planet earth as well because it is dying and it may be too late to save it. Shame on you because even if I come up with the answer whose going to listen to me with no one in my corner to give me creditability or value?  No one! Not that 137 is a very high IQ its 2 points shy of genius but along with my background and ability to think outside the box I have a shot at helping those that are geniuses brainstorm and come up with some viable answers. If nothing else they will come up with a viable plan just to make sure I don't, given who I am and who I'm not. 

No one wants you to have anything when you have nothing and nobody.

My ex is an ex teacher and he still treats me like a second class citizen that doesn't deserve the same considerations as normal people. He thinks I had it too easy and makes life very hard for me unless there are other people around then he acts the hero and if I want something now is when I might get it. 

His favorite thing to do is lie to me so much that I'm sure it's what he will say to anyone. Not so he is actually setting me up to look like the liar because all of a sudden what he so passionately claimed so often to me he now rejects when other people repeat it. Or make a big show of doing whatever I claimed him to never do just to make people question my honesty. Why? Once again he has set me up in front of other people in order to make my ideas his. As long as I am on the defensive and unbalanced people will not believe me over him or even if I am. 

Jon is never on my side, he will side with anyone and everyone else but me even if I'm right but I can't be so he will not allow it. This may sound like I'm the one that can't take responsibility and am stealing Jon's ideas but I'm not. For one I wouldn't do that and for another I wouldn't be allowed to do what he does to me simply because I have no one to conspire with.  

FosterKidsExplained

Adoption101

by V. Martin (a foster kid all grown up)

Adopting a foster kid is a big deal and mostly unappreciated by the children themselves. Indeed these kids need a home but all they want is their own. It's hard to imagine a child with no one in the world expecting anything from anyone least of all those that make promises that hinge on having their expectation met. Expecting these children to be anything other then terrified is too much. They will disappoint you every time because they are in no position to fulfill anything least of all what they know nothing about.  It doesn't matter how kind and giving you are they will not respond the way you want. Try a different approach, try just letting them be, let them come to you but open yourself to figuring out when that happens because it won't be obvious. They can't come right out with it for so many reason that I won't name here.

By any means necessary. Does that go for us too? We need to live our lives by any means necessary even when society is telling us to die by any means necessary. No more killing ourselves just because we have no one because we do have people a lot of people actually, everyone whose been in or getting out of the foster care system are our brothers and sisters. Granted most don't make it to a ripe old age but I'm hoping that will change. No, what I really want to change is the foster care syastem itself. First I want to rename it something like The Cultural Exchange Center for Independent Students. Maybe anything but foster, the word itself leaves a bad taste in my mouth. The system simply needs to evolve so these kids can too. So society can too. These kids already don't stand a chance labeling them foster kids is adding insult to injury.

Too many have already fallen through the cracks and along with them any controbutions they may of had. If we can't give the at risk families the support they need, especially when they ask for it, to keep their family together then we haven't progressed at all. Prevention should be the word of the century because the foster care system can be prevented. Just like the prison system they kind of lead into one another. 

Our judicial system we brag that it is the best in the world no matter how flawed. So does that mean we maintain it as it is? Or what about finding ways to make it better. 

As a society we have had to face the countless inoccent people we have imprisoned recently. They used the pandemic to release them but in fact they were probably foster kids that falsely confessed. For a cop the confession was everything because they were under the impression that no one inocent confesses. I hope we now understand that is not true. It's hard for people to imagine anyone wanting to go to prison for something they didn't do. Well, foster kids do. Prison is home for a lot of them, a roof, 3 square meals, all the company they can handle, and a weird kind of respect from the other prisoners. In prison foster kids are mostly left alone because they aren't in there for any thing they did. On the contrary and the other prisoners are aware of this and don't bother them mainly because they have had it bad enough already. Not to mention they may need a scape goat themselves one day. 

We have no respect for society and it's treatment of its most vulnerable citizens, it's hidden in plain sight prejudices against those society deems undesirable. They have us all wrong and no one benefits. As a matter of fact if we don't erradicate prejudices, ignorence, and hate on every level prejudices will never go away at least not the violent kind.  My priority is foster kids and foster adults, these people are my family and everything I am and have will go to them when I'm gone, including my reputation and position in society. The position hasn't been created yet but I am your biggest advocate and a chance for a better future without being a foster kid. Even though I know we are not the problem society wants to make us out to be, none of that makes sense so we must take a closer look at these agencies, institutions, churches, independent group homes or any place we put these kids for safe keeping because they are not safe. Our fall from grace starts with these places and there is a reason they want society to believe we cause most of the crimes, our false confessions don't help either.  Some how they benifit from these false campaigns to make us into stupid, dangerous, nothing to lose, loser, drug addicts, and theifs. Some people are mean just to be mean because they can, it makes them feel better, more powerful about themselves hurting someone more vunlnerable.  Of course there are always those expectations that we never meet that might create some enemies. 

As a future foster parent just be honest because if there is one thing a foster kids know and that's when they are being lied to and at that point it is all over. If you don't think these kids have a right to be treated humanely and with respect then you should not become a foster parent. If you think these kids have no right to question anyone that they should unquestionably believe what ever bullshit you tell them? You should not be a foster parent. If think we are just a burden with nothing to give you should not be a foster parent. If you have expectations, outside the ones you already discussed don't be a foster parent. If you are looking for a free baby sitter and/or house keeper you should hire a professional. 

Adoption301Advanced

By V. Martin

Let's hope to God I'm wrong but the more I research and think about it the more I'm convinced that insurance money is involved in what pushes the machine. 

Think about it; a family finatially in trouble, bills piled high. What could possibly be the answer that won't cost your family anything? Oh, I know, a foster kid. Not only do you get paid for putting up with this reject you get to be added to a life insurance policy that the state pays for and only stops when the child dies. Oh happy day, the life expectancy is so short its like money in the bank. 

That's right, you heard me correctly, life insurance policy carries all foster parents and adopted parents until that child dies. No wonder the cycle never ends. It's way too profittable to try and actually solve this problem and with out people no one is going to care; except me and all I have is all the children that are still alive and the ones that aren't. These are my people and they deserve the best and that is what I am going to give them.

So if you are a priest, a Boy Scout, a detention worker, a foster parent, a pedophile, and/or any predator that preys on children; you are on notice to find something else to do. You are no longer tolerated, you are no longer going to find it easy to live amounst those that value their children. You have no place in society because society has deemed all people valuable but those that destroy the lives of the innocent. No more does society turn its back on those less fortunate, it is these people that need society the most. Society will gain strength and resources that previously it lacked due to its inability to recognisze real value way beyond monetary. No longer will we put material things above human beings. No longer will anything on the planet be worth more then the living creature that occupy it, including animals and humans. No longer will we be lazy!! 

There may not be a lot I know but the one thing I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt and that is human nature and what it is telling me is that it has no intentions of changing. It does not intend to bow down to Mother Nature. Oh hell no! We bow to no one! Well, Mother Nature isn't just anyone she is who rules on this 3rd rock from the sun. lol.

It's obvious that society means to do nothing different to save us all so fuck it, everybody it's business as usual. All the effort we made to get through this difficult time was for not.

It took no effort on my part because my life didn't change at all. The man I live with has all the power and control and he reminds me every now and again. Most recently he killed my dog, for the simple reason that he told me "no" when I asked for one. It wasn't my fault that they gave him to me on Christmas Day because he was suppose to be my boyfriend's christmas present. He wanted nothing to do with him, at first, by the time he did the dog was already dying. Mostly we, foster kids, don't want to be lied to, stolen from, left holding the bag, accused of lying by liars.

MyDrunkDiary

BecauseSobrietySucks!

by V. Martin

Once again I'm going to attempt to go on the pot wagon.  What's the big deal you ask?  Let's see, I'm a 53 year old stoner whose gone a whole 21 days pot free in the past 35 years so it's a big deal for me.  The only down fall is that I turn to alcohol to get through the day and most importantly the night.  The nights are the worst mainly because I can't sleep for the first couple of sober weeks. It sucks so I drink margaritas and these are the writings that come from my drunkin state of being.

Most likely I will offend everyone who reads this so let me say I'm sorry now in advance. Please don't take me too seriously no matter how serious the subject is. My soul purpose is to stir the pot(not bowl), get people thinking like I do and maybe someone will get who I am. If not I remain ungotten. Really, I'm not that complicated but the problems of today are its my goal to simplify them so we can change them into something that works.  It's so much easier to envision problems as solutions that haven't found the problem they were made to solve yet, that is where we come in.  Nothing should be wasted not even ideas.

For me pot solved a lot of problems when I couldn't. As a child in the foster care system I learned to use different strategies to cope with the fucked up shit going on in my life. The life I was told to be grateful for when all I wanted to do was die. The only thing that has kept me from killing myself is the fact that I think everyone wants me to, no expects me to. FUCK THAT! Here I will stay as long as I can, no matter the shit that happens to me. Not only will I live I will do it the best way that I can by showing no outward signs of the hell I've been through. Society may want me to kill myself for fear it will have to support me eventually if not all my life.  My people are not expected to be much more then a burden on society because we are written off as damaged goods. What is going to be right about these kids without any people of their own there for have no value what so ever. Shame on all of us!!!! This I will stand for no more! My people maybe the lowest of the low but that means there is only one direction to go; up.

You may not know me but my people do and I know them, I love them without even knowing their names.  They are out there some where, on the streets in every city, living in card board boxes and tents, or in prisons or jail. Please stay alive, don't let society win you have value you have people. All of us unwanted people need to stick together because together we are no longer alone, we have each other! Why not? Don't we deserve the same as everyone else? Obviously not, we deserve even better then that, we are better then that! Society is the one that is wrong about us but what were we suppose to do? When given an opportunity to be of service we jumped on it. Only it isn't all society could come up with for us disposable people to contribute is to be a scape goat, someone to put the blame on. No one listens to them when they deny doing what they are being blamed for so they stop denying. No one cares that the guilty are left to commit more crimes on society. Finally, the disposable people stop trying to save society from its self because its simply not worth saving. 

As someone with no parents or family(actually I met my family in my 20s) I have no value so what am I still doing here? I guess its so in the end I can say "I told you so!"

Like the birds, where in the hell are all the birds that use to chirp so loud you could hear them in space? I use to get woken up every day I left my window open they were so loud, all day long. Now, nothing. No bugs either, I guess if you have nothing to eat you're going to die. Driving on the freeway use to make my windshield covered with the carcusus of all kinds of bugs. Now none splatter my windshield. Could it just be the high speeds we drive at, well only if that is the only speed we drive at and it isn't but still no bugs. 

If we don't start making some major changes we are all going to die and it has already started. Not only are we going to die but this whole planet will die along with us. The corona virus maybe Devine intervention making us stay home so we can't continue to pollute and hurt Mother Earth. Maybe it's the world wide web that invented this virus to save us from ourselves because we won't? Even if we didn't cause global warming, for arguements sake, we still need to try to stop it or even better reverse it some. Soon there won't be any animals to save even the ones in our zoos will struggle to stay alive. Eventually it won't matter and it will be too late, hell it may already be too late. So wake up people it will take all of us to save ourselves and what remaining animals there are.

Please, please stop fishing for at least a year and those big cruise ships need to figure something else to do. Our oceans are dying and we keep poking it with a cattle prod not wanting to believe what is really happening. Pull your head out of your ass, please and thank you.

The government needs to pull its head out of our asses and do something for our better good. We need this planet it is the only one we have so stop treating it like we have many spares to replace it with. WE DO NOT! Nothing should be produced that kills anything! No poisons should be allowed on this planet except those that are natural. We must promote life not kill it, I don't care if it kills people, we can always make more people but earth is one of a kind and the only one we have. All these chemical killers do just that kill not only what it's intended to kill but every thing else that happens to be in the wrong place at the time. Or if a breeze comes along to carry the poison to who knows were hurting who knows what or who. More and more people are confused about who or what they are especially their sexual orientation, has anyone else wondered why? Well I have and I blame bug and weed killers getting into our water, air, and food supply. They may not be killing us right off but they are affecting our DNA and brain functions not to mention our mental health. Rachel Carson stopped short of connecting these dots or did she? It was obvious to me that was where she was headed but unfortunately died before she could. Not only do these poisons get on our food because we spray it directly on it these poisons get into our water supply and who knows if we are able to filter it all out because we are not testing our water for them.

We should not be looking for energy that takes energy to produce! Duh! Real clean energy exists with or without us. Real clean energy is free and there in lies our problem. Some people on our planet only care about themselves and the unholy dollar. Energy whores make us pay for something that is in abundance all around us and yet they charge us for dirty expensive energy that is killing everything. Our government needs to take responsibility for giving us no choice and for not listening to the scientists when they warned us of this. Well here we are and we still do very little to ensure our childrens future. I think they know they are fucked and that it is our fault for not doing anything different because we are simply too fucking lazy. Our kids know this they see our lack of action and figure we just don't think they are worth saving. We aren't you know? Anybody who would rather do nothing because they believe devine intervention will save us all is a fool unless it comes in the form of a virus.

Maybe the sunomi happened to make room for the melting glacier water. Whatever the cause it won't be enough. How do I know you ask? I just do. For one I have a brain and deductive reasoning.

No I'm not drunk yet but needed to get this down to compare my drunk writing to. So I'm pissing you off on purpose, I admit it, we need to get mad if that is what it will take to make the changes needed to save us all but mostly this planet. 

I mean really, who do we think we are anyway? We can't take the planet with us when we go but the least we can do is leave it better then what we found it. BETTER, BITCHES! Not worse dumb asses! Who in the fuck ever thought that raping and pilfering the land and its inhabitants not just our right but our duty was a mother fucker! Our forefathers weren't the sharpest pencils in the box. Slavery alone proves that so why are we still following there misguided attempt at equality when it left out every race but white? Has anyone thought that maybe it's time to rewrite our constitution? How outdated and unfair does this document need to get before we realize we can do better. Admend it all you want it still promotes wealth and happiness to one race and at the expense of all others. Hate and prejudice will never change to empathy and understanding as long as we follow the directions of people that thought nothing through. Our justice system was made up by a bunch of criminals and extreme religious people. Religion loves criminals they make up the majority of their followers and no one follows better then an ex convict. Criminals have been using religion to cover up their crimes for as long as religion has been around. I'm convinced we invented religion for that very reason. A place criminals can commit crime and not get caught because its done in gods name. Our government allows for this because its already so over whelmed with crime and laws that protect the criminals that can afford it.  Did I forget to mention our justice system is for the guilty with enough money to buy their way out of trouble. I mean who couldn't convince one of twelve people of reasonable doubt? Any decent attorney. The wealthy know this. They know they can get away with anything given enough money to defend themselves. They know to not talk to the police because they have a lawyer on retainer. The rest of us never think to ask for our lawyer because we don't think of public defenders as lawyers but they are. 

If you ever find yourself incarcerated ask for your public defender and keep your mouth shut, especially if you are guilty, the system is for you if you work it right even if you are poor.  

Please don't judge me on how I look, I had nothing to do with it.  

ToMyChildren

YouKnowTheOneNoOneWants

by Vonia Martin (AKA V.)(AKA Bitch)(AKA your worst nightmare)

If you happen to be one of the lucky ones and find yourself in the foster care system, you are my child. At this point in my life you are probably more like my grandchild. Totally not funny but true.

The most important thing I can tell you, that I need you to believe; you are not alone. There maybe miles that seperate us, language barriers, cultual differences but none of the things that seperate us is stronger then what makes us family; circumstances. Experiences unites us as one. No one else on the planet knows what we do and that is how to survive on our own. It appears from every other perspective that we are dependant on everyone else when in fact we are not. They cannot stand the idea that we can get along fine without anyone. Not that we want to or that it ends well for those with no one but we do exist. 

Most of us kill ourselves before our 18th birthday because what do we have to look forward to? Most people think I'm too stupid to hate life. Those same people also thought I would be long dead by now. Well, I'm not and not for my lack of trying because I put myself into every extremely risky situation that I could find and nothing. There was a time I had to ask "what does a girl have to do to get killed around here?" Here I still am. There was a time that I would have bet I would be dead by now and I too would have lost. The drug induced coma I've been in for the past 25+ years is wearing off and reality is setting in. There are so many more kids like me out there that need help and I'm in no position to be able to help them. I have totally let my kind down. All I have left are my words and the desire to help those aging out of the foster care system in any way I can. 

The wisest thing I can say is don't be like me. Be stronger, be aspiring, be a role model, give these kids someone to look up to. Be the example! 

Sure there are people out there that have it worse off then a bunch of kids without family and there are a lot of agencies to help them, these kids have very few. Believe me when I tell you that a child knows when it's not wanted as aposed to being taken away or orphaned.  It is the difference between kidnapped and running away. One is chosen the other is forced.

When I was 8 I use to pray not to wake up in the morning. I would beg god to please stop the hell I found myself in. The foster home I was in was perfectly nice but they weren't mine so I couldn't tolerate being there. No family is good enough not when you know your own. They could have beaten me and the feeling would have been the same. As it was they did no such thing but they may as well have. It's hard to explain but if you are a foster parent please understand it has nothing to do with you. All your foster child knows is that you are not their family, you are strangers. No matter how much you want them to be grateful they can't. If they express gratitude it is a sign of betrayal. They don't want their family coming to get them only to find that they betrayed them. This is a huge fear! THEIR FAMILY WILL BE BACK. When they do they must be ready and not tied to these strangers. 

It's time to let go of your family because they would want you to. Most likely your family only gave you up so you could have a better life, one they could not provide for you. So stop denying yourself this opportunity for a better life. Your family obviously thought you deserved this chance so please take it.No one is going to punish you or blame you for getting on with your life, it is the only one you are going to have so live it by any means necessary.

AppleMusicNotAmmusing

ItSucks!

Another bitch by Vonia Martin

 Apple music is such a rip off! They take $15.99 out of my account every month, for what? For me not to be able to listen to the music I already paid for? It has to be because that is exactly what happens every month. It's true, I admit, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box but come on. For one, this amount is rediculus! I use to pay less for Netflix and got a hell of a lot more fore my money. We are talking about music that I already paid $.99-$3.99 per song for or albums starting at $12.99. Why was I able to listen to my music, music I bought online then downloaded onto my computer then transferred to my iPod, on my iPod at no additional cost? Why was someone able to get my music and put it on their device without my permission? Why am I paying $15.99 for a family package when I have no family?

Not only that, I can't always access my music library. You heard right. About half the time I'm working out my music stops, or repeats same song over and over, or stops in middle of one song to start another and keeps doing this until I just shut it off. More and more I feel I'm paying Apple to raise my blood pressure and put me in anger management classes because I almost lose it some times. Maybe you're trying to drive me to throwing my phone in the street out of frustration forcing me to buy a new phone. Not going to happen! lol Just kidding. It does seem like every thing and everyone is against me at times but that's how frustrated I get. It only takes me working against myself to prevent me from succeeding, for this I need no assistance. So back off Apple Music and give me what I pay for every month or give me a refund for all the months I couldn't even use or listen to my music and the ones that only gave me pieces of songs. It only seems fair since you continue to over charge me for something I should be able to do anyway for free. Charge a one time fee for the app if you must but a monthly charge to listen to music already paid for? How greedy is Apple? It appears pretty fucking greedy. Not only do they take $15.99 for what I'm assuming is music they also take $1.99, $2.99, $5.99, and sometimes all the above in a single month. With no explanation on what it's for. 

My inability to remain cool when dealing with people or in this case a company that is ripping me off keeps me from directly dealing with the situation. Makes no sense, I know, but eventually I run out of money and the madness will stop. 

 

PitchForRealityTVShow

Aging Out

By Vonia Martin

My idea is this: 

The set would be a ranch that is finantially in trouble. It's run down, so needs lots of minor repairs. The animals need attention including vet care. The roof leaks in main house. There are several buildings on property including a barn, chicken coop, and several shacks. The land needs attention to get it ready for planting.

Goal:

To turn the ranch into a self sustaining enterprise. Meaning it needs no outside help to support itself. As a matter of fact the ranch makes enough money to support a small staff that cares for everything pertaining to the ranch. 

List of potential money generating ideas; eggs, dairy, food, art, and any product the foster kids come up with.

Players; Me or someone else, a handy man, and about a dozen kids aging out of the system. A couple of professionals to help with any mantal issues and to keep an eye on everything.

Every morning starts with a brain storming, clearing the air, bitch session and meeting to discuss all things ranch and foster care. Everyone has a voice in this meeting and everyone's ideas are heard and seriously considered before implemented or tossed aside. 

The young adults that are chosen for this show should be aging out of the system and have no place to go. They aren't the best or the worse just some where in between. Obviously, they will have different levels of intelligence but should have the basics down i.e. reading, writing, math, and science. No real special abilities or talent but not void of them either. Six girls and six boys with the same sleeping quarters. These kids need to be able to have relationships that don't enclude sex. It maybe the only way they were able to survive but that is over now they never have to deal with that shit again. 

Many will come with their own baggage so we must be prepared to deal with a variety of problems. Maybe at least have me on the initial show where I can talk with them and set the stage for the best possable out come.  

Kids must be in good physical shape with no diseases or chronic illness. Mental health is a different story. No child aging out of the system is of good mental standing. We will seek the least mentally destroyed kids possible. 

Actually I want to pick the kids. At the end I want to give the ranch to the kids that starred in the show. 

These kids would other wise never know home ownership or a possitive future that they worked for and earned. Hopefully, they will then find other kids aging out of the system and teach them to manage the ranch and pass it to them when they die and on it should go. 

Mostly I want to shed a light on the every day stuggles these young adults go through just to get through the day. I want people to know what it means not to have family. People should be aware of how rare it is for these kids to reach adulthood, let alone reach retirement age. How little to no programs exist to assist these kids to enter the work force and succeed. Once they age out they are on their own with little to no knowledge on how to get along in the "real" world. 

Products made by the kids at the ranch will be on display and ready to sell at the end of each program. All the proceeds go directly to the artist or an account set up for them for their future education or investment money. 

A finacial institution should step forward and volunteer to handle these kid's money. We are talking about children that have never had anything in their life. This is it for them so every effert should be made to keep this money safe yet making more money for the future of these kids. They need to know and understand the power of money and to keep it in perspective. Never does it have more value then animals, people, or Mother Nature. The planet should always come first because without it we all die. These kids deserve a future and a chance to secure the future of kids that have yet to enter the system.

It would be so nice if instead of foster kid they were called students of cultural differences. Student is a much more optimistic word giving hope to the future with knowledge. Knowledge is power but I understand not wanting to be responsible for what goes wrong. Not to worry I will handle this part. For some reason I have   foresightbeen given the gift of common sense and foresight not to mention deducive reasoning(it only took me 5 times to ge that right)

                                                

MyAstrologicalChart

 

This is not the same chart I received before. It makes me believe this is bullshit. No one’s chart should change but because I am a foster kid not a kid any more but aged out of the system I was denied my birth chart until I “earned” it, so to speak. I mean, who gives up a kid with a chart like mine? It seams impossible but yet it happened. I also have an IQ of 137, or greater, but they took that from me too. I wish I knew why my life has been the way it is because I could have really been someone. For whatever reason this is my life and until recently my chart reflected what my life has been “Nothing”. Something changed though and now I have my real chart, thank you very much. I believe I wrote something that earned me the truth. The truth is that someone or several someones dropped the ball when it comes to me. Starting with seeing the stupid gorilla instead of remembering the numbers I was to remember. Then telling my adopted mom I cheated on the IQ test. Then claiming that stupid machine thingy was broken, both of them, when it tested me at the Scientology building in California and Colorado. How does that happen? I even took a couple of seminars to “clear” myself but some how I cheated that as well. No one wants me to be anything so I am not even though I have tried. My real name was Vonia Sue Smith then my mom’s sixth husband adopted me and I became Vonia Sue Blastow then I was adopted again and my named changed to Vonia Sue Martin. I did meet my real mom when I was 21 and she told me at what time I was born because it is not on my adopted birth certificate. That did not change my lying chart though. That didn’t change until after I was 50.