MyBoyfriendIsSoFuckedUp

He Won't Help Me Leave

by V. Martin

Well, he's not really my boyfriend any more but he still won't help me get away from him. Probably because he's not done ruining me like he said he was going to do. The only problem with that is that I'm already ruined. I told him to get in line. I guess if he ruins me I won't want to leave? Is that what he thinks? If it is he is dead wrong, leaving is what I do when I'm not wanted, ask my momster, she'll tell you.

Jon Marshal Moore, ex school teacher, currently my prison warden. When I moved in with him 7 years ago when he was still teaching I had no car and no phone, at first. Everyday he would leave me here in BFE with no vehicle or job or even a friend, nothing. Day after day, isolated, with no hope of ever getting away. Eventually, I came to terms with it, that this was my life now with little to no hope of anything more. If it weren't for the fact that I went from one nightmare to another it may have been my undoing and Jon didn't care even the slightest. No, Jon liked the idea that I was trapped here and still am. He knows I can't leave him because I have no place to go and no money to get there. It is exactly as he wants it this way no one is the wiser when it comes to where he gets his ideas. MEMEMEME!!!! That's where! 

He wants everyone to believe he is doing society a favor by imprisoning me here, isolated so I can't do any harm. No, isolated so no one knows me doesn't even talk to me to get to know me so good is he at keeping people from even having a conversation with me. It's not that hard when you come from foster care, no one wants to know you because people like Jon and the rest of society want to blame us for everything so they can take all we have. Not only that the cops have a go to suspect pool for all the crimes they commit because foster care kids are preconditioned to confess to shit they didn't do. 

Society and it's so called servants of the people are just helping themselves then blaming some poor kid with no one and nothing not even a future to blame it on. Most foster kids kill themselves before 18 because that is when the system is done with them and gives them nothing to start their lives with. A few lucky, if you can call them that, get to stay in the system until they complate college or a vocational school as long as they have no behavior problems. Very few foster kids have no behavior problems and fewer still have no mental or emotional problems. Even I have all these, I'm just very very good at acting like I don't.

There is something I was never taught; how to be on my own no I know how to be alone I just don't know how to be independent.  Most of the men that help me don't want me to be independent because then I wouldn't need them. When you're a foster kid, even though I'm a grown adult, people only have you around for what ever they want from you usually sex because you are not allowed to have more. 

So disappointed was I to have to rely on my sex to survive. I never wanted to and I still don't but shy of being an out right hooker what else do I have? Nothing that anyone wants, obviously. No one wants me to succeed but I already have, they just don't know it because their idea of success is far different then a foster kids. I won't tell you what it is because I don't want to give myself away in case one of them reads this. Man and his stupid penis don't care to what lengths they have to go to reach their goal to get laid. Especially when it comes to getting it from a foster kid/adult. 

Everyone lies sometimes. If you came from the foster care system everyone lies to you all the time. If you question them on their lies they will tear you a new one making you feel as though lies are all should expect so why are you questioning them? What nerve! You are to not question anyone ever again, you are to just fall in line. Do not ever ever act like you are as good as everyone else because if you do everyone else will make sure you don't make that mistake again. You will find yourself on the street without anything if you think for a second you deserve the same as everyone else. You will not get it! You will get what ever it is people think you should have, nothing they want of course and for not very long. 

There are no words that exist to discribe the feelings a foster kid has because no adult has ever felt them. Even ones that have been through the system because the first thing you do as soon as you can is forget that feeling. 

He even tried to take my pride at having come up with the term 'selfie' back in 2005 when I worked at Great Scotts. He claims he was taking selfies at age 3, a picture of him in the tub with his arm reaching out in front of him was him asking his mother for the camera to take selfies with, apparently. Please, what parent is going to hand a 3 year old a camera let alone one that is in a bath tub? Why it is so important for him to even take that from me I will never know but I do know it didn't matter what it was he wasn't going to let me have it. 

He has stolen the very words out of my mouth and now they are his because he took them to his school where he passed them off as his own. The teacher he took my selfie claim from to this day hacks my computer for, Jon, spying on me and anything and everything I say or type. He has cameras and microphones all over the house so he can spy on me. I'm not exactly sure what he wants to catch me at. It's like living in a prison there is no escape from. It's hard to explain to people how he is able to keep me here like this but he does. For one he discredits me to everyone even my adopted Mom who found me after 35 years but it wasn't for me that she did this. If it were I wouldn't still be here, she would have helped me get away from this hell but she didn't. She only found me so she could blame me still for what she did; disown me. So with her motives and his being the same they hit it off and I once again have no one whose on my side or who believes me. So now I just have more enemies that want to see me in my grave before thiers. Do they think that they will find it earier to live with themselves when I'm not around? Well, how about die with themselves? There isn't anything that people can't live with but what can we die with? Me? I can die right now and face myself and my worldly deeds. Yes there is a lot I am ashamed of and very few things I am proud of but abandoning and/or disowning a child is not one of them. I never chose a man over the child that I adopted. Foresaking that child as soon as a man came along that wanted to marry me. Never did I choose to institutionalize my adopted daughter just because I wanted to create a history for the courts so I could disown her. Never did I lie to my parents so they would disown my adopted child making it easier for me to do so. Never did I lie to my new husband's daughters about my adopted child not wanting to be a part of our family when she really did. I never tried to have my adopted daughter arrested for stealing from the Jr Achievers when I wouldn't fall for the trap they set but had me kicked out anyway. Who disowns a Jr. Achiever for fuck sake? Probably no one but my momster. 

The fact that her and her husband that she left me for still blame me for them disowning me. There is nothing that I did to have warrented them doing what they did. They had decided that, I believe before they even got married. I knew my days were numbered because they never introduced me to his kids. Looking back I can see the times they were busy making sure we never met. Until 35 years later when she looks me up, due to an insurance policy I believe she had on me that matured when I turned 50. This should have been a sound investment, stacking the deck in their favor like they did by disowning me. The odds were already stacked against me when my real family gave me up for adoption but they really wanted a sound investment. This may sound unbelieveable to some people but these are not people that show their true selves to anyone. I mean numbers don't usually lie, do they? Statisticly, I should be dead by now, hell even I was counting on it. When you don't believe you have a future you tend not to plan for one and I sure didn't. Hell, I put myself in every high risk situation I came across. Short of pulling the trigger myself there is no reason why I am still here. Anyone else would have been killed long ago but not me I am indestructable! Seriously, lots of people have tried to kill me but failed, every single time. Isn't that right, Bruce? Isn't that right Jon?

All I can say is what I always say and that is that life likes me, it wants me here. For whatever reason, that has not been revealed to me yet but no one goes through what I have for no reason. Life has a plan for me, for this I am certain and all you would be killers just have to accept that fact or not. It doesn't matter because you don't count in the big sceme of things, sorry, but I do. Why else do you think I have so much confidence? Certainly not because of your unwavering support and belief in me. It's okay I don't need it after all. Many people have lied to me not only about what they were about but also about what they knew me to be about not wanting to encourage me.  It's a good thing I don't believe a word people say. 

Back to the cowards that keep trying to blame me for the fucked up shit they did to me, fuck off! Yes as a foster kid my tendency to blame myself is hard to resist, it's what we do but in doing so rob those truly responsible. Accountability really only means something if the people responsible take the blame for what they did. 

Like it didn't hurt enough the first time, they had to come back to finish the job. They must really want that insurance money! Too fucking bad, earn your money the old fashion way; work for it, Frank, you lazy fuck! You didn't and don't even like me why should you come up on my death? Just because you stepped in and warned my momster about all the horrible things foster kids do? You are one piece of work Frank Robert Hall, if that is even your real name. I wonder how many innocent people you have put in prison? How many of them were foster kids? I still say you started the fire you pulled those kids out of. 

Your whole family is a big pile of poop having conspired with you and my momster to get rid of me. WOW! What kind of people does that? It is amazing but doesn't surprise me, nothing people do surprises me any more. 

These are seemingly good people, everyone of them until it comes to me then they are not so nice. To me they were never relly nice just pretending to be in order to get along in life until they didn't have to. Finally I was there to unleash there cruelty on, not physically but in every other way. After looking me up my momster claimed to want nothing more then for me to be a happy, healthy, well adjusted confident person. Trying not to sound too sarcstic I asked how? How do I get back what they so intentially took from me? Can they give me back my childhood or the chance I thought I had after being adopted? My IQ is 137 for Christ sake, what was 3 years for some one with an IQ of 137? You rob the world of what ever great things I could have accomplished if given a stable and supportive family. You robbed me of the life I could have lived given my personality and true self. Shame on you for not only robbing society but planet earth as well because it is dying and it may be too late to save it. Shame on you because even if I come up with the answer whose going to listen to me with no one in my corner to give me creditability or value?  No one! Not that 137 is a very high IQ its 2 points shy of genius but along with my background and ability to think outside the box I have a shot at helping those that are geniuses brainstorm and come up with some viable answers. If nothing else they will come up with a viable plan just to make sure I don't, given who I am and who I'm not. 

No one wants you to have anything when you have nothing and nobody.

My ex is an ex teacher and he still treats me like a second class citizen that doesn't deserve the same considerations as normal people. He thinks I had it too easy and makes life very hard for me unless there are other people around then he acts the hero and if I want something now is when I might get it. 

His favorite thing to do is lie to me so much that I'm sure it's what he will say to anyone. Not so he is actually setting me up to look like the liar because all of a sudden what he so passionately claimed so often to me he now rejects when other people repeat it. Or make a big show of doing whatever I claimed him to never do just to make people question my honesty. Why? Once again he has set me up in front of other people in order to make my ideas his. As long as I am on the defensive and unbalanced people will not believe me over him or even if I am. 

Jon is never on my side, he will side with anyone and everyone else but me even if I'm right but I can't be so he will not allow it. This may sound like I'm the one that can't take responsibility and am stealing Jon's ideas but I'm not. For one I wouldn't do that and for another I wouldn't be allowed to do what he does to me simply because I have no one to conspire with.  

DoNotRead

UnlessYouWantMeToPissYouOff

By Vonia Martin

The only people that tell you not to be negative are the ones that are fixing to hurt you and they want to blame you for it. Don't fall for this bullshit! If they truly want you to be positive they would create positive situations in your life, they would start by telling you something positive.  When someone tells you not to do something, they are being negative so they need to first practice their own advice before telling me what to do. I am all for being the example not the exception, actions speak louder then words. Of course, they still may not take my advice but that's on them. 

People are probably wondering what I mean when I said that orphans are going to be more valuable then anyone else on the planet. I say this in all honesty because who has the smallest carbon foot print on the planet besides the indigenous peoples? Orphans and/or foster kids; that's who. We know how to live with and on practically nothing. We know how to make things last, squeezing every last drop of blood out of the turnip, if you will. Yes, we can get blood from a turnip, you just have to know how to squeeze it. Foster kids hardly ever own anything, only what people have given them. They usually don't drive because they don't have a drivers license or even a birth certificate.  We usually have the decency to die young, for obvious reasons. It's hard to convince someone to live when they have no one to live for. Not to mention the collective subconscious telling you, in not so subtle ways, to kill yourself before becoming more of a burden.

I doubt we will ever be able to figure out the secrets of the universe when we can't even take care of our own Mother! Or children some mothers abandon. As long as we are committing crimes against her we are committing crimes against ourselves and ultimately God, if you want to believe that kind of thing. All I do know is that Mother Nature is real, science is real, devine intervention maybe here in the form of a virus. Wake up before you end up dead.

Our planet and the creatures on it are at our mercy yet we display none. We are relentless in our pursuit of happiness and the American way, with not a care about the damage being done in that pursuit. Maybe this is why other countries don't like us, because we are so reckless with our only resource; earth.  How irresponsible of us to not change because this planet is and its not into something we are going to like. How much time have we allowed to pass without really doing anything different. The crimes we commit against this planet are crimes we commit against every living creature that resides here. We have a forehead and a chin so we can communicate to eachother in ways animals can't, they have no voice that we can understand. So what about paying attention to the rest of them? They have bodies that also speaks a language we all speak if we pay enough attention we maybe able to figure out what it is they are saying. 

Soon we won't be able to find animals in the wild, only in a zoo.  Won't that be a hoot? There is nothing more unnatural then a caged animals but soon that will be the only place you can find them.

How ignorant we are to the effects of our actions until we cannot ignore them any more because they are too great. For so long we pretended to not be able to change the planet. We decided that the ocean was to vast for all our waste to ever harm it or its occupents no matter how much pollution we dump in it. It was our god given right to rape and pillage the land, leaving in our wake a waste land fit for no animal to live.  

Orphans and foster kids know how to be alone, do you?

All I'm saying is that if we don't start doing what's best for Earth the virus is only the beginning. 

There was a time when we didn't have transportation, other then horses and we didn't always treat them very well either.  As a species we have to collectively decide to stop with the stupidity!  If we are unaware of the consciquences of our actions we should stop until we know what they are and if they are worth the harm they are creating.

We need to add a few subjects to our school curriculum; sustainability, renewable energy, reversing human effect on the planet.  Not that my feelings count for anything but I have a feeling if we become true advocates for Mother Nature she will reveal the secrets we need to travel through space and time.  I know this sounds stupid mainly because most people think I am but I'm not so here it geos anyway. What if we switch the line up and travel through time and space instead?  It's probably nothing but we have to try. It makes sense to me that if we solve the time travel problem space will just fall in line. 

Speaking of space what if dark matter is other planets? They have to be some where and in the way of light is a good way to determine where they are or the absence of it. When I look at the pictures of space and the dark blotches scattered across the universe I think "what the hell is in the way? Why can't I fallow that ray of light to its start?" I'm not saying that some of it isn't dark matter but maybe planets are what we think is dark matter? It's important to find out because there maybe a planet a lot closer to us then we know. 

To My Sisters and Brothers in Foster Care(the People Pound)

More From The People Pound

by Vonia Martin

My fellow foster care kids, that can at least read. I realize the state tries to keep you all separated from one another but I believe this is a mistake. Who better can understand these kids then other foster children? In the past this was cause for concern thinking you all would be a bad influence on one another and in part that might be true. Under a structured and loosely supervised group meetings for at risk youth around the community might actually help everyone. You should be involved in your community, where ever you are, the more involved you get the more they will want to keep you around. Make yourself necessary, volunteer to help people around you, if they won't let you be an opportunist and help where ever you see the need. Very few people will reject your aid if in that moment they have no choice, that does not mean go about creating the need so don't go there. If no one needs your help immediately maybe find a shelter or soup kitchen, what ever it is find something that you can give back to the communities you are staying in. There is nothing more empowering, other then quitting something your addicted to, then helping others less fortunate then you. Yes, you are headed to being the person in need that is why you're putting in the time while you still have a place to live. Any way meet more people like you, start a network of foster kids, for foster kids. It sucks that you don't have a cell phone but I'm hoping to change that but first you all need to make sure you know how to read because it's all about the texting.

If you are a foster kid that has committed crimes and still are; stop. If you are under age come clean on the crimes you've committed to your case worker. If you listened to me you are already doing community service so you may not have to spend time in juvie but if you do you do. Do your time but help others while your there always look to help other no matter what fucked up situation you find yourself in. Not only will it give you purpose it will help the time pass faster and you may get out early, if you want to. Try not to get institutionalized no matter how long your in and helping others is a good way to pass time. Exercise, no matter what find a way to work out, run, walk, jog just do something, spend your time wisely. Have the greatest positive impacted on those around you.

Remember, you are better then everyone else so act like it. Don't let others drag you down and don't let the fact that you have no family strip you of all self worth. Family isn't always the one you are born to, sometimes we have to piece it together from what others tossed aside. Help one another not just other foster kids but everyone. First other foster kids because like you they have only you, show them the way, lead by example. Always be the example not the exception. You are already exceptional you have survived what most could not. We are not meant to be sacrificed we are meant for greatness so it's time to act like it. No one is as strong, no one is as flexible, no one is as tough; mentally and emotionally then some one who's been through life with no one. With the exception of veterans. We should not be the go to pool for suspects in crimes, we should be the ones out there stopping our bothers and sisters from going over the edge and giving in to what everyone believes about us. It is our duty to break free of t prejudices about whom they deem disposable. Be your brother’s keeper, we need to reach out to one another and find strength, not in our numbers because we are the minority but that's only because we die before we reach 21. A lot of us by our own hands. Stop with the suicide and the false confessions no matter how much society deserves it for falsely accusing you and badgering you into a confession, don't. Turn around and offer to help them find the one who did it, if they would care to do so but under no circumstance do you admit to something you didn't do. It's hard to do when you've been conditioned your whole people pound life to do just that. It's so much easier to just confess and give them what they want and the fact that the real criminal is still out there only makes you sleep better at night. The reason why the kids in the people pound are the go to suspect pool is because cops know they can get a confession out of them. Case closed. You get a place to live three meals, structure, security, and finally you can meet all your brothers or sisters. 

You may wonder why I'm telling you all this, it is for your own good, first of all. Second of all I'm tired of society using us to clean up their messes and then practically putting the gun in our hands so we blow our own head off before we get to being to big of a burden on society. If you're in prison now for something you didn't do you better start making some noise because no one cares but me and I am the same as you, no one. I do know one thing, silence is not the answer. I have a big mouth and it only gets louder the more people tell me to shut up because I hit a nerve. Society is ashamed of the piss poor job they are doing at turning us into productive citizens. They want you to believe that other people in your situation has come out alright so what's your problem? The people that they refer to are adopted babies, they actually stand a chance, older kids, not so much. Don't let them make you feel bad if you haven't been able to put all this night mare has to offer in perspective, you are not alone. All I can tell you is that you are better so act it, don't let them take that away from you, be proud of who you are, be the better person. Show everyone just what you are made of; survival is the key. Stay alive long enough for me to figure this out. I have a few demons of my own that I'm putting to bed so I can put myself in a position to help you. You are the reason I've made it this far, against all odds, you are the reason I live now, you are all my children and I love you so much it hurts. If I only had a wider arm span, I would gather you all to me and even if you fight me, I would take it, knowing it's just your fear. You can let that go, they can only hurt you if you let them. Be your own person, you need no one to teach you how to be a better person so start practicing. Hold your head high and no matter what don't let them take your pride because it is the one thing you have that will drive them crazy. Never let them see your vulnerabilities always act like you don't need them no matter how badly you do. Build the biggest baddest wall around yourself you can and only let those that are like you in. Believe me the best revenge is the one they don't see coming. Take from them their precious suspect pool stop letting them entrap you into being the scape goat. They will use your desperate need to fit in against you if you let them, don't, nine out of ten times they are setting you up to take the fall for something they did. They can only do this if they think you need them, don't. If there are adults abusing you in any way, suck it up because the next situation will only be worse. Soon they will move you any way. Times are changing, our world is changing and only the strong will survive, people that are preconditioned for what's to come is you and me. They may not realize it but we are the ones that will inherit the earth once no one else can survive on it. 

We may appear weak now but that is about to change and we won't ever treat anyone the way we've been treated, we will come up with a better way to honor our most fortunate people without the confines of a family. Family is just another way to keep us from fully reaching our potential. Give me all the people I can to form myself by, the more people you have to pick and choose from the better. From experience, there is't a whole lot that people show you that you will want to take on for yourself. Be patient find those whom you can admire and respect, study them and take on for yourself those qualities you deem valuable, the ones that will make you an even better human being than you already are. 

Please, what ever you do, don't let them win, don't become a statistic. Don't let them win you are better then that and I need you. Each and everyone has value beyond what you see and feel and way beyond what you are told. That's not enough, it will never be enough. As a disposable person you will have to prove your worth each and everyday, you will have to walk the line like no one else because they will be watching and waiting for you to fall. Don't let them fool you, they have no intentions of catching you. Just like all the other lies you've been told they have no intentions of catching you as soon as you let go they will step aside letting you hit the ground. Not to worry, if you follow my instructions you'll just fall through the trap door you installed when you got there. Honesty drives people crazy, they don't expect you to throw their words back in their face when you catch them in a lie. As you know people feel obligated to lie to you, like you don't know the truth when you hear it, it's because you do that you feel there is no reason to go on if all you are going to get is lied to. My first rule is no foster child should be lying, it's beneath you. Your honesty will piss people off because they think how dare you, a disposable person be better then them. Fuck them you are better that's why you dare. They need you more then you do them. It's only through making you feel bad and reminding you that you have no one and nothing that they can feel good about themselves, that is not the kind of person you are. You help people, you lift them up when they are down and at great sacrifice to yourself. Always be for the under dog the weaker, less fortunate. I know you will feel like that is you but it's not if you are to survive because they will try to take you down, get you to kill yourself before you can become a greater burden on society.  Don't let their prejudice end you. 

When the shit hits the fan, as our world changes, it is going to the strong ones to bring order to chaos. It's going to take those that have already been through and survived the worse the "best" of us has to throw at us. Please hang in there, I'm taking the steps I need to for you. All of you are my priority, you are whom I'm living for, working for. With any luck and a lot of hard work, I will always be there for you with a home you will always be welcome because it will be your home, one no one can take from you but one you have to leave it to kids like you.