MyBoyfriendIsSoFuckedUp

He Won't Help Me Leave

by V. Martin

Well, he's not really my boyfriend any more but he still won't help me get away from him. Probably because he's not done ruining me like he said he was going to do. The only problem with that is that I'm already ruined. I told him to get in line. I guess if he ruins me I won't want to leave? Is that what he thinks? If it is he is dead wrong, leaving is what I do when I'm not wanted, ask my momster, she'll tell you.

Jon Marshal Moore, ex school teacher, currently my prison warden. When I moved in with him 7 years ago when he was still teaching I had no car and no phone, at first. Everyday he would leave me here in BFE with no vehicle or job or even a friend, nothing. Day after day, isolated, with no hope of ever getting away. Eventually, I came to terms with it, that this was my life now with little to no hope of anything more. If it weren't for the fact that I went from one nightmare to another it may have been my undoing and Jon didn't care even the slightest. No, Jon liked the idea that I was trapped here and still am. He knows I can't leave him because I have no place to go and no money to get there. It is exactly as he wants it this way no one is the wiser when it comes to where he gets his ideas. MEMEMEME!!!! That's where! 

He wants everyone to believe he is doing society a favor by imprisoning me here, isolated so I can't do any harm. No, isolated so no one knows me doesn't even talk to me to get to know me so good is he at keeping people from even having a conversation with me. It's not that hard when you come from foster care, no one wants to know you because people like Jon and the rest of society want to blame us for everything so they can take all we have. Not only that the cops have a go to suspect pool for all the crimes they commit because foster care kids are preconditioned to confess to shit they didn't do. 

Society and it's so called servants of the people are just helping themselves then blaming some poor kid with no one and nothing not even a future to blame it on. Most foster kids kill themselves before 18 because that is when the system is done with them and gives them nothing to start their lives with. A few lucky, if you can call them that, get to stay in the system until they complate college or a vocational school as long as they have no behavior problems. Very few foster kids have no behavior problems and fewer still have no mental or emotional problems. Even I have all these, I'm just very very good at acting like I don't.

There is something I was never taught; how to be on my own no I know how to be alone I just don't know how to be independent.  Most of the men that help me don't want me to be independent because then I wouldn't need them. When you're a foster kid, even though I'm a grown adult, people only have you around for what ever they want from you usually sex because you are not allowed to have more. 

So disappointed was I to have to rely on my sex to survive. I never wanted to and I still don't but shy of being an out right hooker what else do I have? Nothing that anyone wants, obviously. No one wants me to succeed but I already have, they just don't know it because their idea of success is far different then a foster kids. I won't tell you what it is because I don't want to give myself away in case one of them reads this. Man and his stupid penis don't care to what lengths they have to go to reach their goal to get laid. Especially when it comes to getting it from a foster kid/adult. 

Everyone lies sometimes. If you came from the foster care system everyone lies to you all the time. If you question them on their lies they will tear you a new one making you feel as though lies are all should expect so why are you questioning them? What nerve! You are to not question anyone ever again, you are to just fall in line. Do not ever ever act like you are as good as everyone else because if you do everyone else will make sure you don't make that mistake again. You will find yourself on the street without anything if you think for a second you deserve the same as everyone else. You will not get it! You will get what ever it is people think you should have, nothing they want of course and for not very long. 

There are no words that exist to discribe the feelings a foster kid has because no adult has ever felt them. Even ones that have been through the system because the first thing you do as soon as you can is forget that feeling. 

He even tried to take my pride at having come up with the term 'selfie' back in 2005 when I worked at Great Scotts. He claims he was taking selfies at age 3, a picture of him in the tub with his arm reaching out in front of him was him asking his mother for the camera to take selfies with, apparently. Please, what parent is going to hand a 3 year old a camera let alone one that is in a bath tub? Why it is so important for him to even take that from me I will never know but I do know it didn't matter what it was he wasn't going to let me have it. 

He has stolen the very words out of my mouth and now they are his because he took them to his school where he passed them off as his own. The teacher he took my selfie claim from to this day hacks my computer for, Jon, spying on me and anything and everything I say or type. He has cameras and microphones all over the house so he can spy on me. I'm not exactly sure what he wants to catch me at. It's like living in a prison there is no escape from. It's hard to explain to people how he is able to keep me here like this but he does. For one he discredits me to everyone even my adopted Mom who found me after 35 years but it wasn't for me that she did this. If it were I wouldn't still be here, she would have helped me get away from this hell but she didn't. She only found me so she could blame me still for what she did; disown me. So with her motives and his being the same they hit it off and I once again have no one whose on my side or who believes me. So now I just have more enemies that want to see me in my grave before thiers. Do they think that they will find it earier to live with themselves when I'm not around? Well, how about die with themselves? There isn't anything that people can't live with but what can we die with? Me? I can die right now and face myself and my worldly deeds. Yes there is a lot I am ashamed of and very few things I am proud of but abandoning and/or disowning a child is not one of them. I never chose a man over the child that I adopted. Foresaking that child as soon as a man came along that wanted to marry me. Never did I choose to institutionalize my adopted daughter just because I wanted to create a history for the courts so I could disown her. Never did I lie to my parents so they would disown my adopted child making it easier for me to do so. Never did I lie to my new husband's daughters about my adopted child not wanting to be a part of our family when she really did. I never tried to have my adopted daughter arrested for stealing from the Jr Achievers when I wouldn't fall for the trap they set but had me kicked out anyway. Who disowns a Jr. Achiever for fuck sake? Probably no one but my momster. 

The fact that her and her husband that she left me for still blame me for them disowning me. There is nothing that I did to have warrented them doing what they did. They had decided that, I believe before they even got married. I knew my days were numbered because they never introduced me to his kids. Looking back I can see the times they were busy making sure we never met. Until 35 years later when she looks me up, due to an insurance policy I believe she had on me that matured when I turned 50. This should have been a sound investment, stacking the deck in their favor like they did by disowning me. The odds were already stacked against me when my real family gave me up for adoption but they really wanted a sound investment. This may sound unbelieveable to some people but these are not people that show their true selves to anyone. I mean numbers don't usually lie, do they? Statisticly, I should be dead by now, hell even I was counting on it. When you don't believe you have a future you tend not to plan for one and I sure didn't. Hell, I put myself in every high risk situation I came across. Short of pulling the trigger myself there is no reason why I am still here. Anyone else would have been killed long ago but not me I am indestructable! Seriously, lots of people have tried to kill me but failed, every single time. Isn't that right, Bruce? Isn't that right Jon?

All I can say is what I always say and that is that life likes me, it wants me here. For whatever reason, that has not been revealed to me yet but no one goes through what I have for no reason. Life has a plan for me, for this I am certain and all you would be killers just have to accept that fact or not. It doesn't matter because you don't count in the big sceme of things, sorry, but I do. Why else do you think I have so much confidence? Certainly not because of your unwavering support and belief in me. It's okay I don't need it after all. Many people have lied to me not only about what they were about but also about what they knew me to be about not wanting to encourage me.  It's a good thing I don't believe a word people say. 

Back to the cowards that keep trying to blame me for the fucked up shit they did to me, fuck off! Yes as a foster kid my tendency to blame myself is hard to resist, it's what we do but in doing so rob those truly responsible. Accountability really only means something if the people responsible take the blame for what they did. 

Like it didn't hurt enough the first time, they had to come back to finish the job. They must really want that insurance money! Too fucking bad, earn your money the old fashion way; work for it, Frank, you lazy fuck! You didn't and don't even like me why should you come up on my death? Just because you stepped in and warned my momster about all the horrible things foster kids do? You are one piece of work Frank Robert Hall, if that is even your real name. I wonder how many innocent people you have put in prison? How many of them were foster kids? I still say you started the fire you pulled those kids out of. 

Your whole family is a big pile of poop having conspired with you and my momster to get rid of me. WOW! What kind of people does that? It is amazing but doesn't surprise me, nothing people do surprises me any more. 

These are seemingly good people, everyone of them until it comes to me then they are not so nice. To me they were never relly nice just pretending to be in order to get along in life until they didn't have to. Finally I was there to unleash there cruelty on, not physically but in every other way. After looking me up my momster claimed to want nothing more then for me to be a happy, healthy, well adjusted confident person. Trying not to sound too sarcstic I asked how? How do I get back what they so intentially took from me? Can they give me back my childhood or the chance I thought I had after being adopted? My IQ is 137 for Christ sake, what was 3 years for some one with an IQ of 137? You rob the world of what ever great things I could have accomplished if given a stable and supportive family. You robbed me of the life I could have lived given my personality and true self. Shame on you for not only robbing society but planet earth as well because it is dying and it may be too late to save it. Shame on you because even if I come up with the answer whose going to listen to me with no one in my corner to give me creditability or value?  No one! Not that 137 is a very high IQ its 2 points shy of genius but along with my background and ability to think outside the box I have a shot at helping those that are geniuses brainstorm and come up with some viable answers. If nothing else they will come up with a viable plan just to make sure I don't, given who I am and who I'm not. 

No one wants you to have anything when you have nothing and nobody.

My ex is an ex teacher and he still treats me like a second class citizen that doesn't deserve the same considerations as normal people. He thinks I had it too easy and makes life very hard for me unless there are other people around then he acts the hero and if I want something now is when I might get it. 

His favorite thing to do is lie to me so much that I'm sure it's what he will say to anyone. Not so he is actually setting me up to look like the liar because all of a sudden what he so passionately claimed so often to me he now rejects when other people repeat it. Or make a big show of doing whatever I claimed him to never do just to make people question my honesty. Why? Once again he has set me up in front of other people in order to make my ideas his. As long as I am on the defensive and unbalanced people will not believe me over him or even if I am. 

Jon is never on my side, he will side with anyone and everyone else but me even if I'm right but I can't be so he will not allow it. This may sound like I'm the one that can't take responsibility and am stealing Jon's ideas but I'm not. For one I wouldn't do that and for another I wouldn't be allowed to do what he does to me simply because I have no one to conspire with.  

Disposable People

Foster Kids

by Vonia Martin (aka V)

Lately, I've been researching the statistics on foster children. What happens to these people once they age out of the system? Nothing good from what I understand. The chances of these people graduating college, oh hell, even high school are very slim. At eighteen they are homeless because the state considers them an adult, so no more assistance. Who cares that they have no drivers license, the state won't be liable for an accident? Who cares that they have no job, if they do it's an after school one? Who cares that they, if they are lucky, just finished high school and are homeless? Who cares that they have no cell phone, who's going to pay the bill? Certainly not the foster parents and not the tax payers so no phone for them. Let's see, that about covers the obvious obstacles. Did I mention that these kids have no one? No one they can count on to always be on their side. No one to turn to with things go bad or they get into trouble.  They are literally and utterly alone in this world, it kills me just thinking about it. There are over 400,000 kids in foster care, the majority won't even make it to their 21st birthday. If they do most likely they are incarcerated. The ones that do make it are usually only in foster care because their parents died. Still a heart breaking situation but some what different then those that are abandoned. When your own parents don't want you who is going to? In the mind of that child the answer is "no one." 

For an abandoned older child this is a death sentence. Not only is this child now disposable the resentment from others that he's still alive becomes almost unbearable.  Society sees the abandoned child as a liability and the weakest link. They are kept on the outskirts of society where they can best be sacrificed to the predators of our society. This way they don't have to travel the inner sanctuary, where we keep the valuable children. People are only valuable when other people want them or need them. Unless they are beautiful, then society may keep them around to be passed around until all used up. Now they are as disposable as the rest of the unwanted kids. The ones that don't kill themselves end up in prison or mental institutions. 

This is unacceptable! Our system doesn't help that's why these numbers have stayed steady for almost as long as the child welfare services have been in place. Maybe because it generates income for a lot of people and states. Our good old federal government subsidizes the states depending on how many children are in their system at any given time. The feds also offer grants to certain agencies for additional funding that, by the way, never reaches the kids.

I know I've said this before but what about companies and corporations sponsoring these kids? Not every child will make a good lawyer and/or doctor, companies need laborers too. Right now they pay out good money for services like cleaning and maintaining the building, security, and mail delivery. Not all foster kids want to be doctors or lawyers some would be perfectly happy to have a light job making real money. For those that do want to be doctors and lawyers companies can sponsor them together and when they become a doctor they work for that company until student loans and cost of living are paid off. Some kids may not go for this but those that do at least will have a shot at life. I just had a brilliant idea, the disposable people could become politicians.  Todays abandoned, tomorrows public servant.  If just one child comes through the system without an arrest record, it maybe worth thinking about. The federal government can give these companies tax breaks and society can also help by supporting these kids with understanding, patients and empathy. Stop treating them like 2nd class citizens. I get that statistics don't speak well of these kids but that is only because it doesn't speak well of society and what they do or don't do for these kids. All they need is a lot of encouragement and support from everyone around them to help them believe they are just as good and deserve just as much as everyone else. It is not their fault they are in a bad situation. It is not their fault their parents are pieces of poo and couldn't get it together enough to keep them.  As a side note; there should be no interest added to student loans unless that person is gaining monetarily from that education.  

How can these kids believe in themselves when everyone has let them down?  It is societies fault when these kids are killed, raped, molested, neglected, starved, and or used for whatever sick things people don't want to do to their own kids so they get a disposable one. What else are they for anyway? No one loves them so no one will miss them. True.  It beats having it happen to a wanted child, right?
Just because a child is put up for adoption doesn't make that child stupid. Just because a child isn't wanted by their parent(s) doesn't mean that child doesn't have a brain. They may appear to not be too sharp but that's a lot to do with always being in a new place, with new people, new rules. When you are lost you may appear stupid to those that aren't. Fear is the state for which most of these kids live in. Fear that they will do something wrong and get beat. They, the foster parents, don't tell them the rules up front, no, you get learn those as you break them. All I can say is that children are tough. That we almost believe they can survive just about anything and do. Until they don't.
Each state should have to run tests on every foster child under the best possible conditions for that child and recruit or then sponsor the brightest ones. Of those the states sponsor the feds should then conduct their own tests when or if out of them they find exceptional people, feds then sponsor and later hire them.
In any case, as a society we are failing these children and in turn they are failing themselves and the rest of society. When you have no people you have no conscience and no reason to be a good person. No one seems to care what happens to these kids because the truth is too ugly to face. Some of you maybe worried these kids may hurt you, so what, that is what kids do. I don't mean physically, that of course, is unacceptable, but understandable if that is all the kid knows. We have therapy for those that need it and all of these kids do but not just while they are kids but throughout their lives. When you are damaged as a child, there is no getting over it you just have to learn to live with it and therapy helps keep that in perspective.
On the other hand if you are one of the disposable ones, listen up, hopefully you can read but if not find someone who can and have them read this to you. I know it is so fucking hard being all alone in this crowded fucked up place but you have just as much right to be here as anyone else. You, however, need to help yourself because, as you so painfully know, no one is going to do it for you. They don't know you, no one does so you can be anything, anyone you want. Pick and choose from the adults around you their very best qualities and make them your own. Do not take on what you do not like about them, what you do not want to be like. You are in the unique position to choose who you want to be being exposed to so many at such an early age can be a gift use it as such. Do not let any single event or person, including your parents, define who you are. No matter what, you have to live with yourself for all your life so try to be some one you can do that with.

There is something you all should know, you are better than everyone else.  It's time you start acting like it. It is because everyone knows you are that they put you in this fucked up situation. Don't do anything that will reflect badly on you or other foster children, be the better person. Understand that no one is on your side so don't expect anyone to stand up for you or defend you against anyone or anything. You are one of the disposable people the only ones that need you are the ones like you. Your goal is to reach adulthood then reach out to the ones like you and try to empower them, reach out and give them the understanding and love they so desperately need. Try not to procreate yourself, no-one in the foster care system should be procreating because if anything happens to you where do you think your children will end up? In the system. Where, as you know, no good will come to them.

Predators are working very hard at keeping their positions of power over these kids a secret. The more of us that stand up for our rights the less likely these predators will stick around.
People that trade children for money sell their soul along with them. There is no quick, complete, cheap solution this is a wound in society and it bleeds disposable kids. We need to give these kids a chance and without direct, no strings attached assistance they won't make it.
No matter how expensive kids are they don't come near the cost of a prisoner. We can, as a society, get involved in these kids lives and try to find out how to give them the chance they deserve. These kids may not respond the way we want but that's just their defense. When ever anyone has offered to help them in the past it was so they could help themselves so forgive them if they don't react the way you want. They may even lash out but they are just scared, be patient, let them approach you. Once a stable, consistent environment is established, keep it that way for as long as possible because any change at this point would be detrimental.
If you are single and adopt an older child that has been in the system most of their life do not get married only three years in and with only three years left to their eighteenth birthday.  Do not tell them there will be two people to love them now when you haven't even introduced them to his children. Do not try to set them up, or entrap them to have a documented reason to abandon them. Do not adopt a child just because you're afraid to be alone then toss them back when you find a husband that has three kids of his own. If you tell that adopted child you want them to feel good about themselves don't do for all your other children then stop at the adopted one, this is like a slap in the face. Any contradictions to what you tell an adopted child only reconfirms what pieces of shit people really are, including themselves.
Maybe couples should have to apply for a license to procreate. I mean, any idiot can have a kid but to drive a car, practice medicine, build buildings all require years of school and lots of practice. In my opinion having and raising children seems a lot more complicated than any of those things but as a society we require no such knowledge before people bring forth a new life in the world. Not to mention it's getting really crowded it maybe time to put a cap on it. It may sound communist but that's only because China has put a cap on the number of children people can have do to over population and lack of resources. I say take it a step further and make couples pass a course on child care before they get the green light if they still want to have one that is. The goal here should be to discourage as many want to be mothers from doing just that. If made aware of all that can go wrong physically and mentally with a child and the cost maybe they would at least wait a few more years.  My goal here is to cut the number of children entering the system in half. The easiest place to start is at the beginning with a lot of education and statistics to discourage young ladies from becoming mothers too soon. Not every woman can or should wait until they are in their forties but anybody under 21 should not be allowed to procreate but better still is if they make that choice on their own as responsible children of this planet, our mother, our only parent; Earth. She never lets us down, she may surprise us but that's because we aren't paying attention.
Just like everything she gives birth to it counts, it matters but first we have to pay attention. There are signs all around us in every living thing; plants, animals, birds, bugs, the weather, people we are all the voice of nature. As humans it is our responsibility to learn that language in order to protect them from us.