ToMyChildren

YouKnowTheOneNoOneWants

by Vonia Martin (AKA V.)(AKA Bitch)(AKA your worst nightmare)

If you happen to be one of the lucky ones and find yourself in the foster care system, you are my child. At this point in my life you are probably more like my grandchild. Totally not funny but true.

The most important thing I can tell you, that I need you to believe; you are not alone. There maybe miles that seperate us, language barriers, cultual differences but none of the things that seperate us is stronger then what makes us family; circumstances. Experiences unites us as one. No one else on the planet knows what we do and that is how to survive on our own. It appears from every other perspective that we are dependant on everyone else when in fact we are not. They cannot stand the idea that we can get along fine without anyone. Not that we want to or that it ends well for those with no one but we do exist. 

Most of us kill ourselves before our 18th birthday because what do we have to look forward to? Most people think I'm too stupid to hate life. Those same people also thought I would be long dead by now. Well, I'm not and not for my lack of trying because I put myself into every extremely risky situation that I could find and nothing. There was a time I had to ask "what does a girl have to do to get killed around here?" Here I still am. There was a time that I would have bet I would be dead by now and I too would have lost. The drug induced coma I've been in for the past 25+ years is wearing off and reality is setting in. There are so many more kids like me out there that need help and I'm in no position to be able to help them. I have totally let my kind down. All I have left are my words and the desire to help those aging out of the foster care system in any way I can. 

The wisest thing I can say is don't be like me. Be stronger, be aspiring, be a role model, give these kids someone to look up to. Be the example! 

Sure there are people out there that have it worse off then a bunch of kids without family and there are a lot of agencies to help them, these kids have very few. Believe me when I tell you that a child knows when it's not wanted as aposed to being taken away or orphaned.  It is the difference between kidnapped and running away. One is chosen the other is forced.

When I was 8 I use to pray not to wake up in the morning. I would beg god to please stop the hell I found myself in. The foster home I was in was perfectly nice but they weren't mine so I couldn't tolerate being there. No family is good enough not when you know your own. They could have beaten me and the feeling would have been the same. As it was they did no such thing but they may as well have. It's hard to explain but if you are a foster parent please understand it has nothing to do with you. All your foster child knows is that you are not their family, you are strangers. No matter how much you want them to be grateful they can't. If they express gratitude it is a sign of betrayal. They don't want their family coming to get them only to find that they betrayed them. This is a huge fear! THEIR FAMILY WILL BE BACK. When they do they must be ready and not tied to these strangers. 

It's time to let go of your family because they would want you to. Most likely your family only gave you up so you could have a better life, one they could not provide for you. So stop denying yourself this opportunity for a better life. Your family obviously thought you deserved this chance so please take it.No one is going to punish you or blame you for getting on with your life, it is the only one you are going to have so live it by any means necessary.