WATER/EVOLUTION

Evolution/Water

By V. Martin

 

Mariana

IfBlackLivesMatter

Why Don't The Ones Lost at Dozier?

By V. Martin

First, thank you so much for being brave enough to come forward with these heart wrenching experiences suffered by so many children over such a long period of time while in the care of the state of Florida. From what I understand this so called "school" for boys was really a prison for children where even adult prisons took better care of their murderers and rapist. The boys at Dozier were hardly that going in, some justpicked up off the street never to be seen again. Mostly young African Americans living in poverty with little education. For over a hundred years this school was open, just closing in 2011, and yet there are no living surviving workers? Other then the one armed man? This fact alone I find very disturbing or is it fact? Who has tried to track these people down? How can all of them be dead? It doesn't surprise me that there are so few actual survivors from the students that went there. The statistics from that place are probably even more disturbing, better they are all dead or changed their identity maybe even their sex to go undetected. Who knows, clearly I do not but I do know enough to form some pretty good ideas of what went on there. 

The small number of survivors that have some how gathered the courage to finally tell what they endured during their unfortunate time there deserve nothing but our admiration and undying gratitude and support. You my friends are so brave to bare your souls so shamelessly when shame parellized you for so long. Not your shame but your abusers, their shame that through their abuse became yours. Thank you for not letting it go on any longer, you have saved countless lives. It seems to me that the state of Florida can and should do better by these families that through DNA lost loved ones at Dozier. It doesn't matter who killed them because the only ones responsible are the grown ass adults that at some point had received training on how to care for these kids. If in fact some of the kids did the killing, I have a feeling they were made to do it by the staff to ensure their silence. Kids are so impressionable especially if put in a place like Dozier where they are told there is only one way out and that is to kill on of the other boys. Or maybe something like that, how else does a place like that stay under the radar for over 100+ years? 

These are boys being raped by men hired and paid to care for them by the state of Florida. Parents were made to believe their sons turned killer then had to be killed was at dozier for smoking in the boy's room at school. The survivors referred to orphans that sometimes got sent there simple because there was no other place to put them and probably none of them ever left there. I believe these to be the bones of the ones they hunted like animals and killed then left where they died. Some of the bones where fragments, why would a skull be in so many different pieces? Animals don't do that to a skull except one; man. These are bones that have been exposed to all kinds of elements, sure, but the damage I saw there is no doubt these kids had their faces smashed in. They went from the "White House" to a white cardboard box no bigger then a medium flat rate box at the post office.  These families are never going to be made whole nor do they expect to make money off their relatives pain and suffering but what the fuck? Who knows what these young men would have become or how much money they would have been able to earn if not for their untimely death. Why should continue to say the worlds but not back it up with any action? 

Isn't it about time we give the same value to all kids, not just the ones that come from wealthy white families. These boys, for the most part, didn't stand a chance one way or another they were going to be made to wish they were dead if they weren't really. Anyway, my point is this, if we as a society continue to claim that black lives matter we better start putting our money where our mouths are and fork over some cash. It may sound materiallistic but damn it that's better then what they got. There isn't that many maybe 14? Their families, the victims whose remains fit in a little box, should not want for anything in the state of Florida. These families had children basicly kidnapped off the street, in some cases, only to be returned to their loved ones 75+ years later in a white card board box no bigger then what you would ship a hat in. This is what we deem fair? Talk about adding insult to injury! SHAME ON FLORIDA!!!! Florida murdered these children just the same as if they kicked the living shit out of them itself and everyone living there is condoning it!! Of, course there were more then 14 unmarked graves if I remember correctly they found over 50 possible grave sights whith how many grave in each we will never know because there are no more survivors to claim or run DNA against to find a match. These are the orphansor foster kids that the state sent to Dozier for no other reason then to be rid of them and Dozier had a great record for making them disappear. It was a win win as they say with the only looser dead at the end of the day killed by one of the boys so no one will want to investigate because it was a disposable child one that won't be missed. 

2011 and there are no staff members still alive save one with one arm who claims that the boys killed each other. If they killed someone were they then sent to prison? Was there a trial, who were these child killers and what happened to them and more importantly were are they now? Why would everyone be dead? Especially the kids why would they all have died already if not from suicide in which case the school is still killing its wards. There is no way so many lives were lost without their knowledge. For instance the fire that broke out and killed several of the boys but no guard was injured in trying to save them of put out the fire. Was there even an investigation as to what started it and why some of the boys didn't escape but rather parished in the burning building. Did one of the boys start this fire and if so why? Was there any attempt to even find out? Fire can be a precursor for a future serial killer and imagine Dozier produced a few. It would be interesting to find out the numbers.

What parent doesn’t want to pass on all their knowledge to their children before they die? I assume all of you and even those who have never had children still find themselves wanting to do the same. I am of the latter, childless, but not so in my heart all children are mine. Not in some weird creepy way but in an understanding of what a responsibility it is to be an adult and what that means to a child. Honesty, is the number one characteristic above all others children respond to the most. Even when the news of the situation is negative and dire children respond the way they have been taught to and panicking never wins. Panicking wastes a lot of valuable time and should be avoided at all costs. If panic does set in and talking them out of it sensibly and directly fail a sharp slap in the face or clapping ones hands right in front of their face or ears may bring them around. Most children are far smarter and adaptable then we give them credit for. 

Having spent most of my childhood in foster care, in Arizona, I have some intimate knowledge of the child care system and what that can do to a child. For six years I went from foster home to foster home mostly abusive in one way or another but none more then my Momster’s version of a family. Fortunately, for me, I had a father that had custody of me for a short time when I was four, even though his third wife and her daughter hated me and pushed me down the stairs I was my father’s daughter. Level headed, honest, hard headed, smart, and logical. Unfortunately, for me, my father’s third wife had it out for me so when they called telling her that my mother gave me up for adoption she didn’t pass on the message to my father. After a certain period of time and so many attempts to contact him, I entered the foster care system with my half brother, Keven. At first, no I am still in shock that she could do this to us and I am now 53, at any moment now she will come through the door. She would smell of sunshine and cigarettes with some lame excuse as to why she took so long but all was well now that she was there. Of course it was!!!! Gone? You were gone? Hardly even noticed now that you are back but every time it happens I remember more and more of the times you are not there. Now I can hardly remember the times you were there and they all include my brother who is no longer here and I cannot afford to lose those memories since we cannot make more. So more good news from the side effects of being familyless, it’s not even a word so unusual it is to put those two words together. 

For as long as I can forget they have been telling me to shut up and put up and for just as long I have been telling them to make me. My brother did when he cut my tongue with the scissors but I’m not sticking my tongue out this time. My ex boyfriend’s campaign to make me negative almost worked in shutting me up but for the fact that it is a negative statement to begin with. Besides the truth is what it is, it’s the people creating the situations that determine wether the out comes are negative or positive. Some people want everyone to win even if it means they lose. So someone is losing but what if none of us are losers? What if all things are relevant they just haven’t found out where they are real yet. To be real the decisions we make must be relevant but what if our timing is all off? Or another way to look at it is, we are not aligned with the rest of the universe, we are trying to fight when we should surrender. We are trying to nurture with a hammer put down the hammer and pick up a gallon of ROh2o and go water a tree that isn’t already dead. 

It sounds silly, I know, but if we don’t no one will be laughing for a very long time, if at all ever again. DO YOU NOT GET IT? WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! We need to set up vertical gardens now, we need to get off the grid and do very little until the planet stabilizes then we need to be very careful how we procede from there. For now we need to put down the hammer and drill, we need to put on the breaks and store our vehicles for a year or two. We need to do a lot less spending on stupid shit that is not necessary. Communities need to be self sustaining and in harmony with Mother Nature. There isn’t anything save but food, shelter, and clean pure water and air that we cannot learn to live without and so we shall. My opinion is that it will be a lot less painful if we voluntarily start giving up some of the things we can live without instead of waiting until it’s too late. Too late in this case will be fatal, not just to me and you but to all living things as we know them. 

Has it been so long since the last volcano  explosion, the last tornadoes, fires, earthquakes and any other natural disaster that we do nothing about the pending doom heading straight for us? I thought my short term memory was short but societies short term memory simple does not exist. No wonder we are in such trouble, we have no memory at all short or long. We do not want to be bothered by memories when they get in the way of what we think progress is. When it comes to making money, nothing stands in the way. When it comes to flexing our countries muscles no resource is protected not even human beings. When a country puts money before it’s people to the point the people have a price tag and depending on the color of your tag dictates your value within that society. 

Unfortunately, having a foster kid in the neighborhood does nothing for the property value just like a black male. We are a high risk factor that should be kept an eye on. When the whole community is on watch it brings them together to have a common enemy and foster kids are an easy target. So I can understand why the surrounding communities knew nothing of what was going on at Dozier and the ones that did were probably related to the staff or part of the staff. It really isn’t surprising that it went on for so long because what else did they have? These are troubled teens on drugs, drop outs, juvenile offenders some with criminal records almost all without a father and some even without a mother. The orphans got it the worst, they were hunted and killed like animals by the other boys made to be there. It is my belief that the staff at that hell hole made those boys kill one another. It is another way they got away with it for so long, turn your victims into the monster they fear; yourself. Everyone wants to pass their knowledge to the next generation. Dozier was a school but not a reform on but one on pain, suffering, serial killing. My belief is that they trained serial killers at that school and harbored them after their killings when the heat was on. It is why serial killers are so hard to catch, they go back to their beginning where they always have plenty of victims. Not as much fun, killing the willing. Well, let’s just say they didn’t put up much of a fight.

The unwanted never want to live not like the loved ones do and even less then the ones that are loving. One even claimed to love him, once. That made him more angry then he had ever been in his life, how fucked up is that? Loving the one who is going to take take your life in the most painful grotesque way? Pretty fucked up, I would say and just did. Ha! Boys, boys and more boys to kill in any and every way he could think of and he has thought of some really beautiful ways.

None more so then what he did to that young doctor and his wife. His wife in the fact she lost her life and the husband in the fact that he got home in the not so nick of time to save his wife but to see a one armed man fleeing the scene. The husband is accused, tried, and convicted of the murder serving years before he is released once DNA proves he didn’t do it. The TV program is close to the story but for the fact that Dr. Shepard goes on the run rather then face life in prison but to try and clear his name by finding the one armed man. My idea is that he couldn’t find him because he was back in the arms of the place that made him, Dozier. A lab for serial killers, a vocational school for mass murders. If you’re not disturbed when you arrive never fear fear will change all that with a lot of terror thrown in for good measure. You will be raped by the staff and other kids, made fun of, laughed at, tortured, starved, beaten, hunted, until you are willing to do anything to make it stop. Anything! That anything was committing crimes against the other boys maybe even murder. You do not want to but if you don’t… 

The staff, that let this go on and even participated in the torture and rape of these young men are deplorable and should be tortured in the same way only that is probably why they are the way they are. No one will be held accountable for any of the murders or suicides that went on there nor will we ever know the true number of victims that place claimed. Not just because they didn’t keep any real records but because alligators and crocodiles live in the Everglades and no body, no crime, no child, no justice, no grave, no marker, no name you simply did not even exist. The staff at Dozier knew exactly what they were doing and knew exactly how to get away with it. They turned out more then one serial killer I guarantee it but who is the question. The one armed man was one of them, I believe, he was a resident at the school for most of his life, hiding out there when his acts drew too much attention. 

It wouldn’t surprise me if he couldn’t come and go as he pleased without so much as one staff member knowing. There were times when the staff would not be on board with his activities but that would change it always did. People are so susceptible especially the disposable ones they want so badly to be loved they don’t care by who. They not only make perfect victims they make perfect future serial killers. It’s all in the training. It’s not as hard as one would think to create a killer that wants and even likes to kill. Certain things are required but not limited to… what those things are I can only guess. This book explores a little bit of the serial killer phenomenon that seems to have gripped this country.

 

If need be President Biden should step in to talk some sense into all of us.  Or not.                                                                                                                                                             

AnimalsNeedPotableWaterToo

They Have Fewer Places To Drink

By V. Martin

Not too long ago I wrote about how the wild animals have smaller and smaller areas to hunt, that they are starving. After camping along a river populated with campers and fisherman(person?). There was no place for animals to get a drink from this river for many many miles if at all. With the fires raging almost year round their opportunities for food and water grow slimmer and slimmer. I get that we want to do what ever we feel is our God given right but seriously the animals were here before us. Why in all our infinite wisdom do we continue to do stupid things? We don't want to be confined or restricted but we don't want to be responsible for the damage living our lives the way we do does. It is no joke when they say that everything is connected, that it's all relative. Einstein was no slouch, one of the greatest minds of our time and we ignore his warnings everyday. So what was the point? If no one wants to pay attention, back to everything as it was, back to destroying our only parent. God may be our Father, caretaker of our immortal souls but Mother Nature is caretaker of physical being and without our immortal souls have no place to learn. That is another thing, haven't we learned where not to be yet? Why do we continue to build in the way of her most horrific acts of weather? We know exactly what causes these storms and where yet we build right in its path then we're surprised when the houses are gone and some people are missing. This happens time after time and I believe Einstein describes this as the definition of crazy. To continue to do the same thing over and over yet each time expecting a different outcome. No, we have to do something different and now, not tomorrow now. 

We may have to sacrifice a few amenities, learn how to generate our own power as individuals for our personal needs. Like, mobil solor panels, light weight and flexable so you can fold them up and take them every where to use to charge your personal devices all day long. At night we can get our exercise by pedaling our stationary bikes(yes like Gilligan) to generate power for lights, TVs, and small appliances. Batteries or generator for water heater and stove all charged by solar panels during the day. Get creative but don't be stupid, safety first.

The idea of having smaller communities within larger ones all with different power needs for general community safety and commerce at night. Night should be kept to very few businesses just to cut back on so much light, not for criminals but for the animals. Think about how dark it must have been way back when, they still romed free, using their night vision to hunt. Now they get nothing but light but there are no more animals to really see anyway. It's not like they can go inside and cool off and  degree and a half is enough to wipe out nearly all the wide life that's left and that will lead to yet even more global warming. Much hotter and it won't be long before we are no more. How long do we think we can last without animals, fish, birds, bugs, basically all life but our own? I could only guess so I'm not going to.

Mother Nature maybe using this virus to keep us where she wants us, still, non polluting. Of course we are not listening too busy trying to get back to normal. HELLO! Normal is killing us!!!! We need to get busy making up the new normal and more then that living the new normal because yes even while staying home we are still living. Can you imagine what our great Grandparents did without the internet, without TV, without cars? Remember when people had to ride horses to get around? Or Sails were all they had to cross the Atlantic Ocean or any other for that matter? People use to play cards and board games, people use to gather around the piano and sing old songs really bad. Not everyone was Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga. 

Maybe we just need to be still for a while in order to hear what Mother Nature wants us to do next. How else are we ever going to hear her answers if we never stop to listen? Just like sometimes we need to go back to the beginning to find out were we went wrong and choosing a different course going forward. 

If we don't stop with what isn't working how will we have room for new?

Think outside the box. Do we even know what that means? Do we even realize how hard it is to think differently? we should just by how hard it is to do anything different. We don't want to think or change but if we don't we die, plain and simple. That means off the grid we must go. That means living in a much smaller world then the one we currently live in. Flying for pleasure will be way too expensive for the majority of the population. Flying is only for emergencies and business, only. No more fining businesses when they cause a catastophic catastrophe. They need to be made to clean up the mess by any means necessary that doesn't do more harm then good regardless of the cost. The reason will be known and if found the disaster was preventable the guilty party will be put on trial and if found to be negligent will serve time. Mother Nature needs to be protected by any means possible and even some immossible ones if thet is what it takes.

There has to be something we can do even if it's doing nothing because every move we make puts another nail in the coffin of Mother Nature and her habitants. I for one will miss clean air to breathe, I do not look forward to suffocating eventually, on the very air that use to sustain us. I love pure water more then almost anything and don't look forward to using my shirt to filter out the ash and soot just to get a drop of disgusting not water water.

Already I miss the constant chirping of the birds, their silents is the biggest warning that the end is near I don't know what is. Maybe the fires that never go out any more and the mud slides because the burn scars aren't able to recover without the animals and bugs needed to reestablish brush, trees, wild flowers, berry bushes and other vegetation animals rely on for food and water. 

I don't live on the coast but I imagine our oceans are in a sorry state as well. No more eating fish people! We have to stop depleating our oceans at least for a while, sacrificies must be made! No more camp fires! Please stop camping all together, give Mother Nature a break. There is nothing more important right now then to save the planet and I for one will make the ultimate sacrifice when and if the time comes. Hopefully we will pull our asses out of our heads and it won't be necessary but if it is I have nothing to live for anyway. All I live for now is to try and come up with a viable solution people will listen to and adhere to as well. Outside the box. The big thing is think off the grid. Off the grid gives back to the people power and control over their own power. Tesla was right it should be free and we should be able to pull it right of the air and we do; solar and wind. 

Since lightning strikes the earth a lot of times all day and night shouldn't it be nothing but a huge battery? Bursting with energy? Yes it is that where we get volcanoes and earth quakes, why aren't we relieving her of this burden by sucking that energy right off the top? Maybe that is what we are here to do, to relieve the pressure built up by the constant bumbardment of lightning strikes. We need to figure out how to be the earths pressure gauge like that thing on the top of a prssure cooker letting out just enough energy to keep the whole thing from blowing up. See there's energy in just a simple pressure cooker. 

Clean animal friendly energy. Why did we decide on an energy that if put in closed quarters will kill any living organism. What did we think would happen eventually? Here we are facing what very well might be the end and all we care about is getting back to the normal we know is killing us and this planet. 

Zeus; Super Dog

RednosedReindeer 

By V. Martin (Zeus's pet human)

When I first got my dog So.b I couldn't believe how fast he trained me to do virtually everything for him. Here we are 11 years, possibly 12, and he still has me doing everything for him and I am more than happy to! This dog is my life, no doubt about it. Not only does he have me doing his bidding anyone who comes in contact with him for any amount of time ends up throwing a ball, rubbing his belly, holding on to the unknotted end of a rope so he can smack you with the knot when he shakes his head just so. You So.b lovers know what I'm talking about. By the way thank you for not letting your warped opinion of me influence your relationship with him. 

Fast forward to when I felt my life needed more, I needed another dog. My So.b was getting old and not wanting to go for walks, which is all I have, walking. So I put some feelers out for another fur baby to complete my furry family. At 53 I am way passed having any actual babies, biologically, anyway. I remember seeing a really cute dog on one of the pages of the local penny saver or whatever, he was sitting in the carving of wings chair located near the entrance to the town. This was before I STARTED LOOKING BUT NOW I'M SURE IT WAS HIM. I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER CHANGING THAT BUT I'M NOT YELLING, YET. 

Zeus was the most perfect example of a Rednosed Pitbull dog you will ever find. All his markings were perfect, his stance, the way he carried himself; regal. So why was he up for sale or rehoming? According to the lady I got him from, there was an incident with her 5 year old son. One that made her fearful enough to kennel him during the day until her husband came home. After having known this dog and his gentle nature I'm convinced she misread what had happened. I believe Zeus probably saved this boy from getting hurt the only way he knew how, by placing his mouth around the boys arm or some limb to prevent him from harm. The Mom, I believe walked in on this and not knowing the situation took at face value and assumed the dog was getting ready to harm the boy. The boy having been stopped from doing something bad doesn't want to get in trouble so blames the dog also and so the dog had to go.

This is not fact, this is just my assumptions after having the dog for 8 months. He was broken hearted at having lost his entire family in one day, not to mention the other 2 pitbulls they had. we tried to make him happy but he had an enlarged heart and passed away. 

Sometimes I think if I hadn't answered the ad he would still be happy at home where he belonged looking after his family. I really don't think he was capable of hurting anyone least of all his wards. Not to make them feel bad or anything but I need to make other people aware of the ways dogs save us because they have no hands. What would you have him do if he sees your child in harms way? The only thing a dog has to grab the kid id its mouth, not to bite but to lead out of harms way. If a pit bull wants to bite yoyr child chunks of them would be missing, their mouths are so big and when they bite down they don't let go until its dead. Its what they do its why they are bred. That and their easy going nature and their undying loyalty. Zeus had no idea why he was rehomed and to this day my heart goes out to him because I know to well what its like to lose everything and everybody, through no fault of your own. 

Now I could be wrong but everything tells me I'm not. So now in his memory, I will immortalize, the God of all dogs; Zeusafer! 

This is not the only picture I have of him but mostly they are on my phone so I'll add them later. This one does not do him justice. Nor me if I do say so myself. 

As humans we tend to not give our cohabitants, of this planet, any credit. We don't want to see the effects we directly have on  these defenseless animals. Just like we don't want to realize that pesticides and herbicides directly effect not only our physical health but our mental and sexual health as well. The only reason why I'm able to see how we are systematically rid ourselves of any and possible threats.

Still I can't recall ever seeing animals in any futuristic prediction or artist rendition of the future. They are all sterile and lifeless, kind of like space. That is exactly the oposite of what we are intented to do. There is enough lifelessness in space we need not add our own planet! We are suppose to bring life to the universe, light it up with color that only life's diversity can bring. When are we going to take our rightful place in the universe? Believe me when I say life not death not destruction but life in all its glory and perfection. Life is perfection and long as it can reach out and go where it knows it needs to to survive itself. Here we are stagnate, still, sitting is the new smoking so move we must!. 

Who among us will be the first to bend, fold, bridge or whatever new term it takes on; time travel we must or time needs to travel to us. Maybe that's it we can't travel through time but maybe time can travel to us. Just another stupid idea or not. Lets face it how ever it happens it isn't something that aliens can already do.  we may have to wait until the universe starts collapsing on itself and everything turns around and goes back where they came from. Of course by then we won't want to be that close. Distracted again!

Back to the universe. Have we tried sending anything as fast as we can get it going into a blackhole? I am not saying it will make a difference but if there is any chance at all in figuring out the universe blackholes may be a good place to look. How to get an object going that fast is up to smarter people then I am and thak god we have them. The more data we can collect of these sleeping giants the closer we may come to unlocking the mysteries of the univers and our own blue sphere. I'm just saying give it a thought. Please and thank you!

My ExBoyfriend Is Even More FuckedUP

ThenMyCurrentOne

by V. Martin

Bruce Landers is my ex boyfriend and I'm not proud it because he is a piece of shit that treated me like a piece of shit. He made me pay him rent when he had no morgage to pay. He made me clean up after him and kicked me out every other day. He also stole my ideas and benifits from them to this day. Bruce, whose idea was it to build another garage in your backyard bringing up the property value? Or whose idea was to elliminate the attic and  have vaulted ceilings in the kitchen with sky lights? Whose idea was it to use toe clips for your drum pedals that evolved into using magnates? Or whose idea was it to double tap last drum before going back the same way instead of skipping to the first drum which everyone does? Or to play with different sticks? Who thought of running pipes under a flag stone floor to heat the house using hot water running threw the pipes? Who thought up the idea to put a spring on a shovel? Who told you about ROH2o being the best water filtration system on the planet? Seriously, there were so many more that I can't remember them all. 

You used me for your own gain and then tossed me aside so as to not have to give me credit, let alone any money. You are the most selfish person I have ever met next to Jon but I believe you are coaching him. I did nothing but give to you and you gave nothing back. You are a piece of shit with a trust fund that gives nothing to society except what I shamed you into giving. 

There are no words to convey how bad you made me feel being with you. There was a time I seriously contemplated suicide rather then be subjected to your cruelty. I hope you are happy now without me because I really tried to make you love me but you aren't capable. I am not either. All you proved to me is that people are really pieces of shit if you have no one for them to answer to.

Please keep coaching Jon on how to be just like you. Felishia may live with you but she isn't really human but neither are you. Party on good people, spread the love you have none of. There is nothing you have that I want at this point so I don't bother you, I'm done but for some reason you are not. YOU CANNOT BRING ME DOWN!!!! I am invincible but I want you to give it one more shot. 

There is one thing that being a foster kid taught me and that's when people are against me. You are those people and I decalare war on you and Jon and whom ever else wants the living shit kicked out of them because I am ready to go to war against you and all those that follow.

Let me say that one more time; Bruce Landers is a piece of shit who uses people for his own amusement then discards them like trash, laughing at their misfortune for ever having trusted him in the first place. 

Bruce, I really loved you and you broke my heart. I gave you everything and you shit on me in return. You took my already fractured heart and shattered it into a million pieces after you promised you wouldn't. You made me believe in myself until you destroyed that too. Why? All I ever did was try to help you and all you did in return is use me then toss me aside. I never expected anything for my ideas but maybe a little gratitude but even that was too much. Now Jon is telling me about his idea for heating a house by having pipes run under a flag stone floor with hot water running through them heated by the sun. Whose idea was that? What about the idea I had for a firemans pole going from your room to your drum kit in the basement? 

Other then charge me rent and treat me like a slave you degraded me in front of other people. You never took me any where except maybe out to eat, you took my dog more places then me. You treated everyone better then you did me. You treated as though I was back in foster care and you were my foster whatever. The only reason you took into consideration my past is so you could use it against me to make me feel bad, like less then a human being even less then a dog. 

My only hope is that you still treat everyone better then you did me because at least then you can't make them feel as bad as you did me. At least you can't make them wish they were dead rather then living with you. 

Then there is always the fact that you threw most of my belongings away after I moved out and you wouldn't let me have them. You are a piece of shit who doesn't deserve even half of what you got. There is really only one reason why people are friends with you, if friend is even the right word. Only one reason and it isn't your personality fuck head!

MyBoyfriendIsSoFuckedUp

He Won't Help Me Leave

by V. Martin

Well, he's not really my boyfriend any more but he still won't help me get away from him. Probably because he's not done ruining me like he said he was going to do. The only problem with that is that I'm already ruined. I told him to get in line. I guess if he ruins me I won't want to leave? Is that what he thinks? If it is he is dead wrong, leaving is what I do when I'm not wanted, ask my momster, she'll tell you.

Jon Marshal Moore, ex school teacher, currently my prison warden. When I moved in with him 7 years ago when he was still teaching I had no car and no phone, at first. Everyday he would leave me here in BFE with no vehicle or job or even a friend, nothing. Day after day, isolated, with no hope of ever getting away. Eventually, I came to terms with it, that this was my life now with little to no hope of anything more. If it weren't for the fact that I went from one nightmare to another it may have been my undoing and Jon didn't care even the slightest. No, Jon liked the idea that I was trapped here and still am. He knows I can't leave him because I have no place to go and no money to get there. It is exactly as he wants it this way no one is the wiser when it comes to where he gets his ideas. MEMEMEME!!!! That's where! 

He wants everyone to believe he is doing society a favor by imprisoning me here, isolated so I can't do any harm. No, isolated so no one knows me doesn't even talk to me to get to know me so good is he at keeping people from even having a conversation with me. It's not that hard when you come from foster care, no one wants to know you because people like Jon and the rest of society want to blame us for everything so they can take all we have. Not only that the cops have a go to suspect pool for all the crimes they commit because foster care kids are preconditioned to confess to shit they didn't do. 

Society and it's so called servants of the people are just helping themselves then blaming some poor kid with no one and nothing not even a future to blame it on. Most foster kids kill themselves before 18 because that is when the system is done with them and gives them nothing to start their lives with. A few lucky, if you can call them that, get to stay in the system until they complate college or a vocational school as long as they have no behavior problems. Very few foster kids have no behavior problems and fewer still have no mental or emotional problems. Even I have all these, I'm just very very good at acting like I don't.

There is something I was never taught; how to be on my own no I know how to be alone I just don't know how to be independent.  Most of the men that help me don't want me to be independent because then I wouldn't need them. When you're a foster kid, even though I'm a grown adult, people only have you around for what ever they want from you usually sex because you are not allowed to have more. 

So disappointed was I to have to rely on my sex to survive. I never wanted to and I still don't but shy of being an out right hooker what else do I have? Nothing that anyone wants, obviously. No one wants me to succeed but I already have, they just don't know it because their idea of success is far different then a foster kids. I won't tell you what it is because I don't want to give myself away in case one of them reads this. Man and his stupid penis don't care to what lengths they have to go to reach their goal to get laid. Especially when it comes to getting it from a foster kid/adult. 

Everyone lies sometimes. If you came from the foster care system everyone lies to you all the time. If you question them on their lies they will tear you a new one making you feel as though lies are all should expect so why are you questioning them? What nerve! You are to not question anyone ever again, you are to just fall in line. Do not ever ever act like you are as good as everyone else because if you do everyone else will make sure you don't make that mistake again. You will find yourself on the street without anything if you think for a second you deserve the same as everyone else. You will not get it! You will get what ever it is people think you should have, nothing they want of course and for not very long. 

There are no words that exist to discribe the feelings a foster kid has because no adult has ever felt them. Even ones that have been through the system because the first thing you do as soon as you can is forget that feeling. 

He even tried to take my pride at having come up with the term 'selfie' back in 2005 when I worked at Great Scotts. He claims he was taking selfies at age 3, a picture of him in the tub with his arm reaching out in front of him was him asking his mother for the camera to take selfies with, apparently. Please, what parent is going to hand a 3 year old a camera let alone one that is in a bath tub? Why it is so important for him to even take that from me I will never know but I do know it didn't matter what it was he wasn't going to let me have it. 

He has stolen the very words out of my mouth and now they are his because he took them to his school where he passed them off as his own. The teacher he took my selfie claim from to this day hacks my computer for, Jon, spying on me and anything and everything I say or type. He has cameras and microphones all over the house so he can spy on me. I'm not exactly sure what he wants to catch me at. It's like living in a prison there is no escape from. It's hard to explain to people how he is able to keep me here like this but he does. For one he discredits me to everyone even my adopted Mom who found me after 35 years but it wasn't for me that she did this. If it were I wouldn't still be here, she would have helped me get away from this hell but she didn't. She only found me so she could blame me still for what she did; disown me. So with her motives and his being the same they hit it off and I once again have no one whose on my side or who believes me. So now I just have more enemies that want to see me in my grave before thiers. Do they think that they will find it earier to live with themselves when I'm not around? Well, how about die with themselves? There isn't anything that people can't live with but what can we die with? Me? I can die right now and face myself and my worldly deeds. Yes there is a lot I am ashamed of and very few things I am proud of but abandoning and/or disowning a child is not one of them. I never chose a man over the child that I adopted. Foresaking that child as soon as a man came along that wanted to marry me. Never did I choose to institutionalize my adopted daughter just because I wanted to create a history for the courts so I could disown her. Never did I lie to my parents so they would disown my adopted child making it easier for me to do so. Never did I lie to my new husband's daughters about my adopted child not wanting to be a part of our family when she really did. I never tried to have my adopted daughter arrested for stealing from the Jr Achievers when I wouldn't fall for the trap they set but had me kicked out anyway. Who disowns a Jr. Achiever for fuck sake? Probably no one but my momster. 

The fact that her and her husband that she left me for still blame me for them disowning me. There is nothing that I did to have warrented them doing what they did. They had decided that, I believe before they even got married. I knew my days were numbered because they never introduced me to his kids. Looking back I can see the times they were busy making sure we never met. Until 35 years later when she looks me up, due to an insurance policy I believe she had on me that matured when I turned 50. This should have been a sound investment, stacking the deck in their favor like they did by disowning me. The odds were already stacked against me when my real family gave me up for adoption but they really wanted a sound investment. This may sound unbelieveable to some people but these are not people that show their true selves to anyone. I mean numbers don't usually lie, do they? Statisticly, I should be dead by now, hell even I was counting on it. When you don't believe you have a future you tend not to plan for one and I sure didn't. Hell, I put myself in every high risk situation I came across. Short of pulling the trigger myself there is no reason why I am still here. Anyone else would have been killed long ago but not me I am indestructable! Seriously, lots of people have tried to kill me but failed, every single time. Isn't that right, Bruce? Isn't that right Jon?

All I can say is what I always say and that is that life likes me, it wants me here. For whatever reason, that has not been revealed to me yet but no one goes through what I have for no reason. Life has a plan for me, for this I am certain and all you would be killers just have to accept that fact or not. It doesn't matter because you don't count in the big sceme of things, sorry, but I do. Why else do you think I have so much confidence? Certainly not because of your unwavering support and belief in me. It's okay I don't need it after all. Many people have lied to me not only about what they were about but also about what they knew me to be about not wanting to encourage me.  It's a good thing I don't believe a word people say. 

Back to the cowards that keep trying to blame me for the fucked up shit they did to me, fuck off! Yes as a foster kid my tendency to blame myself is hard to resist, it's what we do but in doing so rob those truly responsible. Accountability really only means something if the people responsible take the blame for what they did. 

Like it didn't hurt enough the first time, they had to come back to finish the job. They must really want that insurance money! Too fucking bad, earn your money the old fashion way; work for it, Frank, you lazy fuck! You didn't and don't even like me why should you come up on my death? Just because you stepped in and warned my momster about all the horrible things foster kids do? You are one piece of work Frank Robert Hall, if that is even your real name. I wonder how many innocent people you have put in prison? How many of them were foster kids? I still say you started the fire you pulled those kids out of. 

Your whole family is a big pile of poop having conspired with you and my momster to get rid of me. WOW! What kind of people does that? It is amazing but doesn't surprise me, nothing people do surprises me any more. 

These are seemingly good people, everyone of them until it comes to me then they are not so nice. To me they were never relly nice just pretending to be in order to get along in life until they didn't have to. Finally I was there to unleash there cruelty on, not physically but in every other way. After looking me up my momster claimed to want nothing more then for me to be a happy, healthy, well adjusted confident person. Trying not to sound too sarcstic I asked how? How do I get back what they so intentially took from me? Can they give me back my childhood or the chance I thought I had after being adopted? My IQ is 137 for Christ sake, what was 3 years for some one with an IQ of 137? You rob the world of what ever great things I could have accomplished if given a stable and supportive family. You robbed me of the life I could have lived given my personality and true self. Shame on you for not only robbing society but planet earth as well because it is dying and it may be too late to save it. Shame on you because even if I come up with the answer whose going to listen to me with no one in my corner to give me creditability or value?  No one! Not that 137 is a very high IQ its 2 points shy of genius but along with my background and ability to think outside the box I have a shot at helping those that are geniuses brainstorm and come up with some viable answers. If nothing else they will come up with a viable plan just to make sure I don't, given who I am and who I'm not. 

No one wants you to have anything when you have nothing and nobody.

My ex is an ex teacher and he still treats me like a second class citizen that doesn't deserve the same considerations as normal people. He thinks I had it too easy and makes life very hard for me unless there are other people around then he acts the hero and if I want something now is when I might get it. 

His favorite thing to do is lie to me so much that I'm sure it's what he will say to anyone. Not so he is actually setting me up to look like the liar because all of a sudden what he so passionately claimed so often to me he now rejects when other people repeat it. Or make a big show of doing whatever I claimed him to never do just to make people question my honesty. Why? Once again he has set me up in front of other people in order to make my ideas his. As long as I am on the defensive and unbalanced people will not believe me over him or even if I am. 

Jon is never on my side, he will side with anyone and everyone else but me even if I'm right but I can't be so he will not allow it. This may sound like I'm the one that can't take responsibility and am stealing Jon's ideas but I'm not. For one I wouldn't do that and for another I wouldn't be allowed to do what he does to me simply because I have no one to conspire with.