FalseConfessions

 CrimesYouGoToJailForbutDon’tHavetoCommit

By Vonia Martín 

The reason I know this is because I had to weigh my options since I’m still here and aged out of the system. I didn't want to be a statistic but never realized that is all we are. It means I have out lived my desirability. I’ve been luckier then most but through no fault  of mine. Killing myself is out of the question so that left prison but I can’t hurt someone else. So what victimless crime could I commit where no one gets hurt and won’t cost the state, city, of federal government too much money but won’t get early release. Then it occurred to me, a crime that has already been committed. Not wanting to be responsible for leaving a dangerous person free to do it again, I would have to kill them if they weren’t already dead. This made so much sense that it sucked the air right out of me when I realized I’m not the only one to think this. All I did was follow the path I was on to its logical conclusion only there wasn’t one. 

My point is that there has to be better options for people that have no people. Most opportunity comes way of a relative or close personal friend or one of your parents. Orphans and/or foster kids are given very little oppertunity to make something of themselves. Once you have reached a certain age society has had enough of you and the strain you put on resources. The resentment you felt before takes on a darker more sinister feel. This is society telling you that you have outlived your usefulness and its time to die. Yes die! Collectively society deems you useless so you gotta go. Now if I can't muster up the courage to kill myself I'm certainly not going to let someone else. Many people have tried. 

Still I'm not a push option!

Most of us don't want to be a burden even those of us that have no one. We are painfully aware of the fact that we have no real value without family. The numbers speak for themselves and yet I'm still here. There are people out there that are in or getting out of the foster care system, these are my people. They have had to do the unthinkable to get to were they are so please forgive them. By any means necessary. All foster kids are mine, they belong with me and with each other. How am I going to reach them to let them know that I am on their side and I will find away to them. Hopefully in this life and not in the next(if there is one).  Don't get me wrong, I have done plenty to be ashamed of but that stopped when my adopted mom found me. However, now, I realize she only got a hold of me because the life insurance policy she had on me matured when I turned 50 and she needed to find out if I was alive or dead. Perferrablely dead I'm sure. I knew I was staying alive for a reason. Why should she be allowed to profit from my death? It's not like I cost her a bunch of money in the whole three years she had me and most of that was spent in residential treatment facilities, hospitals, or shelters. 

Like it was my fault she met a man that wanted to marry her and not me. He had daughters of his own one was even my age although I was never introduced to them. This is how I knew they weren't entending on keeping me. Not only that they sent in his nephew to negatively influence me and to take my virginity. You see my adopted mother and her new husband conspired to rid themselves of me. First the nephew but that wasn't fast enough so they tried to get me in trouble with the law by entrapping me in a crime to rip off the Jr. Achievers. It didn't work in the way they had hoped but it got me kicked out of the program. They needed that to get the courts to see me as a delinquent and misfit.  No foster kids wants to be were they are not wanted and I wasn't wanted by my adopted mom and her new husband. What is so interesting is that they don't think anyone else could see the truth of what was happening, as if they were the first to do this to a foster kid. No many single people adopt kids so they don't have to be alone because they think if they are not married by now they never will be and of course as soon as they do here comes the man willing to marry them. That is if...

My adopted mom, to this day, blames me for her disowning me. You read right, it is all my fault that I went back into the foster care system, I missed it so much. Having options about my future was just to much for me to handle. What bullshit!!!! I even wanted to get family counseling to work through things and you led me to believe we were going to go get help. You even told me that Frank was going to meet us there but he wasn't. Did it feel good to turn your back on me? Did you like leaving me there in that empty room with the idea we were there to get help but you were there to leave me, which you did without a word. You led me into a room and turned around and walked out with no explanation not even a good bye.

So you find I'm still alive so no insurance money for you! If for no other reason stay alive so no one that has hurt you can benifit from your death! I wonder what she would have done with the money. Would she have given it to charity? Maybe the Boys and Girls Club since they help foster kids? She probably would have donated it in my name, since its my death that made it available? Let's face it, not. 

So why did she contact me when there was no cash out to be had; guilt or perhaps another policy was written and this time she wants to keep track of me. Or maybe she feels she is owed the money that she did spend on me for the three whole years I was in her care.  Or maybe she thinks I will contest her will once she dies, I don't know. I do know it wasn't for forgiveness. A person has to admit they did wrong before they will ask for forgiveness. She asked me for forgiveness but she didn't mean it because she continues to let his daughters believe that I chose to leave them. Why then did they never introduce me to his kids? I mean for three years I lived with them off and on because the hospitals they kept putting me in stopped admitting me because there was nothing wrong with me, I didn't do drugs and I was still a virgin. You read right, I was a virgin, nonsmoker, never had done drugs or ever even been drunk, I was an honors student, and a Jr. Achiever for Christ's sake. How does this shit happen not just once but twice to the same child? A child with no behavioral problems, a child whose trying to decide wether to become a lawyer or a race car driver. Those dreams faded fast with surviving once again taking priority. Surviving the impossible is kinda my thing and not because I'm too stupid to know any better but inspite of it. People always want something from me that I just don't have, I didn't come with everything you see here. As a matter of fact most of what you see here is an illusion one I perfected to the seemless life you think you see before you. In a way I am a magician, skilled in the art of pretending to be alive, pretending to be a whole functioning person. Well, I'm not, far from it. I am an empty shell, a dead weight. Too stubborn to kill myself, like any decent person would. To hell with decency! Most people don't know what I do and that is that I know the answer but no one will listen not even to save themselves. They would rather die and take everything with them ten amit I have the answer or worse still give me credit for it. S o like always I will have to arrange it just so so that someone else one that people listen to and give them the answer and step back as they take all the credit. 

If I was smarter I would just keep it to myself because society would get what it deserves.

DoNoMakeMenKneelInFrontofAnyone

Especially Other Men

By Vonia Martin

After giving much consideration to the problem I'm convinced that making a black man get on his knees, for any reason, is not the way to go. Not only is it degrading and painful it can be impossible for some men to comply. My perspective is going to be one of an abused child, sexually and mentally. I'll try to see it from a males point of view but I am a female so forgive me if I miss the mark. Not to mention I'm not black so I'm not even close to the problem, except that I am an orphan, which comes with its own prejudice. That's not what I'm adressing here.

It's the kneeling thing that is a problem for young black men. They are taught, by their fathers, uncles, friends, not to kneel for anyone. When all the adult role models in their life continually tell them this it sticks with them, up in to the time they get shot. All males that have been molested, raped, and/or sodamized has a problem getting on their knees in front of other males and possably females (in uniform or passing by) for what I would think are obvious reasons. If all the police are trying to do is keep them from running and/or hurting themselves and others, make them sit instead. It's not only respectful (they maybe innocent) it's less invasive to people with physical limitations. The police may want to carry one of those collapsable chairs, it couldn't hurt. Children that have been molested, even though they are grown now, will react to things for what seems like no reason but trust me they have every reason if it reminds them in any way of the act itself, so keep this in mind. There is a reason for the mental health epidemic and its not all caused by frontal lobe damage.

We need to rethink any organization that separates the girls and boys. This is the oldest stategy in the book; divide and conquer. Pedaphiles have been using this against us for millennium, it must stop. Why do you think women, no girls, have been trying like mad to get on the team? We have known this, subconsciously all along but its taken us this long to get physically capable of competing with men. It's funny how we evolve without even knowing we are. Women know this bastards have been thinning the herd for far too long and we've had it! No longer can any of us sit idly by and ignore these pedephiles because they aren't happy with the disposable people any more, they are coming after your kid next. What are you going to do? You may want to start talking about that now, with your kids so they know what you would and wouldn't do under the worst circumstances. Let me make myself clear, I have no children. Not because I couldn't but because I shouldn't. Short of having a husband with a good family my kids would have ended up in foster care if anything had happened to me. The odds of something happening to me where pretty good, so much in fact that I chose not to have any. 

Not having one person in the world on your side, no matter who you fuck, really, really sucks.

  

TRUCKERS

Should Get The HOV LANE!

By Vonia Martin

It occurs to me that instead of cars, even if they have passengers, except volunteer drivers, they can use the HOV lane also and of course buses. If we took semi-trucks out of the equation, at least in the more crowded areas where the HOV lane already exists, traffic might move more smoothly. That and companies need to stagger their employees, which would benefit them as well since there is a time difference and a lot of revenue could be made before the sun comes up here in America. Then keep bringing employees in every hour or half hour until fully staffed then send people home eight hours or ten even better four day work week. Anyway, this would help with traffic and pollution not to mention revenue and happier, less stressed employees. I call it a win, win, win and won. I'm just saying...

STREAM

Not Stem

by Vonia Martin

Stem just doesn't cover it, we need them all so it should be Stream for science, technology, reading & righting (righting all the wrong history), engineering, arts, and math.

Yes, I believe there is enough "wrong" history to warrent it it's own subject of study. We need to right this when ever and where ever we find it. Miss information and/or lies should never stand even if it's all that we know of a subject because lies only make it harder for the truth to get through. A whole generation may have to die before society can successfully tell the truth and we don't have that kind of time. 

Now, is the time for truth. Now is the time to embrace the truth because the lies are killing us. As a society we need to collectively choose something else and what else is left to us, but the truth?  We have, for what ever reason, spent the majority of the past two millenniums believing in all kinds of interesting things. The one thing they all have in common is that they are the only way to Heaven and God and those that don't believe the way they do will indur some awful fate to be suffered for eternity. Personally, I can't get my faith around believing that only those that believe the way I do can go to heaven. You know why? Because only I know what I truly believe and my beliefs don't follow or stick to any one practice or prejudice, if you will, they exist only to give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning and as long as that doesn't hurt anyone else I feel free to do so. My faith is a patch work quilt that is pieced together from my experiences in life and how I was able to navigate through it without even a life raft or compass.  The last thing you will hear me say is "Jesus take the wheel"! If anyone but God himself takes the wheel fight like hell to take it back! 

We need well rounded individuals that excel in all these areas not in just one or a few but all. Knowledge is the STREAM and we need to stop separating the subjects instead they need to flow into the other where teaching becomes fluid and flows, like the river, effortlessly. Thinking; should not be an option it should be a given. 

In order to truly free ourselves from prejudice and hate we have to drop the religion thing because it propels both. If it didn't we wouldn't be fighting. The one thing that cuts short any argument is the truth. You can't argue with it even if you deny it. You argue it's existence not it's reason for existence. Or it maybe the other way around. Shit, I've been thinking too much for too long. Time for some down time.

Suicide is For

Pussies!

By Vonia Martin

For some time now I have been trying to think of a way to stop orphans from killing themselves. This is not so easy when there is so little for them to live for. Especially when people that have families, education, careers, friends, and even money kill themselves over something as trivial as loosing their job. Seriously? No one with any, some, or all the above should be even thinking about killing themselves. I mean how can we get these kids with nothing not to kill themselves when people with everything are offing themselves? Veterans, police officers, native Americans, and kids that have aged out of the system have the highest suicide rates in the country. Veterans and police officers  are so riddled with guilt at having had to kill someone they kill themselves. Which, to me, seems ridiculous when they are just defending themselves and/or innocent people or are following orders. Even if someone accidentally dies from an officers bullet, don’t kill yourself over it. We need all the police officers that we can get! You are a special breed of human that doesn’t get nearly the credit you deserve. Accidents happen. Life is a risk and you put yours on the line for the rest of us so we can forgive you an accident on occasion. In the heat of the moment things happen decisions aren’t easy to make when bullets are flying. The fact that you value life so much that yours takes a back seat to saving the innocent and not so innocent is amazing. All lives matter, even yours!

Living With Sexual Assault

When All You Want to do is Die

by Vonia Martin



I may or may not title this when I'm done. Only because of the topic.
This may not go over very well but here it goes anyway. No group, religion, agency, and/or club should exclude women. Just like they shouldn't exclude any race. It's without women these clubs are hiding pedophiles and getting away with it. Women would never allow this to occur, or at least, most women. Boys and girls should not be separated for any reason. They should be given the opportunity to socialize and play nice together. Sports are going to have to change anyway, due to the virus, maybe it should change to allow for women and men to participate together. Not that sports is harboring a bunch of pedophiles, of course not, but it could. These clubs and churches not only hid pedophiles they enabled them to thrive while preying on its most vulnerable members, the young.  The Boy Scouts and Catholic Church are the ones that come to mind. There is no place these people, no not people monsters these monsters haven't made themselves at home. Where ever children go these sickos follow.
The rest of us are having to pay close attention to everyone around us. Wishing there was some way to tell who is who. The monsters look more normal than normal people do so how can you keep them from getting close enough to... there has to be a tell, a sign that gives them away.  There isn't any list or registry that they don't muddy with bullshit to the point no one even pays attention to them any more.  There isn't any length that they are willing to go to make what they do acceptable including making up a gene that says you are born gay. Any thing to spread the disease. And I mean spread. We want to think and believe that pedophiles don't make more pedophiles, when that is exactly what they do. They do it when a child gets to be too old but they don't want to them and they can't just let them go so they turn them into their worst night mare a pedophile. They are told to procure a younger version of themselves if they do that they can then go home. They don't stop to think about what they are going to do to them only that they can go home if they bring him another child. Once they do bring him the next victim they are now involved in a crime they hold over the head of the now budding pedophile. Love is taught and it is the first sexual experience that will dictate the rest of a persons sexual life. It is this experience we will chase like the first hit of crack cocaine. Especially if this occurs before puberty. I have come to believe the earlier, in a child's life, this does occur the more obsessed with sex they will be through out their life. The greater the chance for this person to develop  a sexual disorder if they haven't already. Maintaining a healthy attitude about sex these days is becoming increasingly difficult. Not only are you most likely going to be sexually assaulted before entering Jr. High it will likely be a friend of the family or a relative. You are most likely going to have to learn to live with this without it defining you.

FamilyIsEveryThing

EvenIfYouDon'tHaveOne

By Vonia Martin

The only race of people I can think that might have an idea what it's like to be a foster child is black people and native Americans. Believe it or not even black and Native American people are better off than foster kids. At least their suicide rate is as high. The other group of people that has a high suicide rate are police officers. Foster kids are the minority and continue to be discriminated against. Not openly, like black people, for they will see and feel equality before a foster child does but subconsciously because only there does discrimination succeed. In reality prejudice fails because it is defeating. Life means for everyone to succeed, life needs everyone to be successful. Success, to life isn't how much money you made, isn't how much you cheated someone out of their lives savings, or how much power you have over the masses. To life, life is successful when it passes on its knowledge to the next generation, knowing its generation has done all it can to pass on worthy information, facts that when utilized with others will unlock the secrets of life and death. 

Death is something we need to comes to terms with and celebrate, like life, as part of the process.

Without death there is no life, without life there is no death. Do we really need for life to direct us? When we promised God we could do this for ourselves? We failed. Jesus wept. We ran. We keep running. 

There is a common denominator that ties all these suicides together; prejudice. With prejudice we isolate, degrade, disgrace, loathe, discriminate, abuse, abandon, and kill. With prejudice they rise above the abused and on their backs they stand taller. They feel superior. They surf our sweat and rejoice when we break beneath their oppression.  Humanity cries. The birds are silent.

What can I do to get through to you?

What can I say to convey the pain the planets in?

What act can I perform to reflect the hurt we are inflicting?

Who would you listen to?What words need to be said?