FalseConfessions

 CrimesYouGoToJailForbutDon’tHavetoCommit

By Vonia Martín 

The reason I know this is because I had to weigh my options since I’m still here and aged out of the system. I didn't want to be a statistic but never realized that is all we are. It means I have out lived my desirability. I’ve been luckier then most but through no fault  of mine. Killing myself is out of the question so that left prison but I can’t hurt someone else. So what victimless crime could I commit where no one gets hurt and won’t cost the state, city, of federal government too much money but won’t get early release. Then it occurred to me, a crime that has already been committed. Not wanting to be responsible for leaving a dangerous person free to do it again, I would have to kill them if they weren’t already dead. This made so much sense that it sucked the air right out of me when I realized I’m not the only one to think this. All I did was follow the path I was on to its logical conclusion only there wasn’t one. 

My point is that there has to be better options for people that have no people. Most opportunity comes way of a relative or close personal friend or one of your parents. Orphans and/or foster kids are given very little oppertunity to make something of themselves. Once you have reached a certain age society has had enough of you and the strain you put on resources. The resentment you felt before takes on a darker more sinister feel. This is society telling you that you have outlived your usefulness and its time to die. Yes die! Collectively society deems you useless so you gotta go. Now if I can't muster up the courage to kill myself I'm certainly not going to let someone else. Many people have tried. 

Still I'm not a push option!

Most of us don't want to be a burden even those of us that have no one. We are painfully aware of the fact that we have no real value without family. The numbers speak for themselves and yet I'm still here. There are people out there that are in or getting out of the foster care system, these are my people. They have had to do the unthinkable to get to were they are so please forgive them. By any means necessary. All foster kids are mine, they belong with me and with each other. How am I going to reach them to let them know that I am on their side and I will find away to them. Hopefully in this life and not in the next(if there is one).  Don't get me wrong, I have done plenty to be ashamed of but that stopped when my adopted mom found me. However, now, I realize she only got a hold of me because the life insurance policy she had on me matured when I turned 50 and she needed to find out if I was alive or dead. Perferrablely dead I'm sure. I knew I was staying alive for a reason. Why should she be allowed to profit from my death? It's not like I cost her a bunch of money in the whole three years she had me and most of that was spent in residential treatment facilities, hospitals, or shelters. 

Like it was my fault she met a man that wanted to marry her and not me. He had daughters of his own one was even my age although I was never introduced to them. This is how I knew they weren't entending on keeping me. Not only that they sent in his nephew to negatively influence me and to take my virginity. You see my adopted mother and her new husband conspired to rid themselves of me. First the nephew but that wasn't fast enough so they tried to get me in trouble with the law by entrapping me in a crime to rip off the Jr. Achievers. It didn't work in the way they had hoped but it got me kicked out of the program. They needed that to get the courts to see me as a delinquent and misfit.  No foster kids wants to be were they are not wanted and I wasn't wanted by my adopted mom and her new husband. What is so interesting is that they don't think anyone else could see the truth of what was happening, as if they were the first to do this to a foster kid. No many single people adopt kids so they don't have to be alone because they think if they are not married by now they never will be and of course as soon as they do here comes the man willing to marry them. That is if...

My adopted mom, to this day, blames me for her disowning me. You read right, it is all my fault that I went back into the foster care system, I missed it so much. Having options about my future was just to much for me to handle. What bullshit!!!! I even wanted to get family counseling to work through things and you led me to believe we were going to go get help. You even told me that Frank was going to meet us there but he wasn't. Did it feel good to turn your back on me? Did you like leaving me there in that empty room with the idea we were there to get help but you were there to leave me, which you did without a word. You led me into a room and turned around and walked out with no explanation not even a good bye.

So you find I'm still alive so no insurance money for you! If for no other reason stay alive so no one that has hurt you can benifit from your death! I wonder what she would have done with the money. Would she have given it to charity? Maybe the Boys and Girls Club since they help foster kids? She probably would have donated it in my name, since its my death that made it available? Let's face it, not. 

So why did she contact me when there was no cash out to be had; guilt or perhaps another policy was written and this time she wants to keep track of me. Or maybe she feels she is owed the money that she did spend on me for the three whole years I was in her care.  Or maybe she thinks I will contest her will once she dies, I don't know. I do know it wasn't for forgiveness. A person has to admit they did wrong before they will ask for forgiveness. She asked me for forgiveness but she didn't mean it because she continues to let his daughters believe that I chose to leave them. Why then did they never introduce me to his kids? I mean for three years I lived with them off and on because the hospitals they kept putting me in stopped admitting me because there was nothing wrong with me, I didn't do drugs and I was still a virgin. You read right, I was a virgin, nonsmoker, never had done drugs or ever even been drunk, I was an honors student, and a Jr. Achiever for Christ's sake. How does this shit happen not just once but twice to the same child? A child with no behavioral problems, a child whose trying to decide wether to become a lawyer or a race car driver. Those dreams faded fast with surviving once again taking priority. Surviving the impossible is kinda my thing and not because I'm too stupid to know any better but inspite of it. People always want something from me that I just don't have, I didn't come with everything you see here. As a matter of fact most of what you see here is an illusion one I perfected to the seemless life you think you see before you. In a way I am a magician, skilled in the art of pretending to be alive, pretending to be a whole functioning person. Well, I'm not, far from it. I am an empty shell, a dead weight. Too stubborn to kill myself, like any decent person would. To hell with decency! Most people don't know what I do and that is that I know the answer but no one will listen not even to save themselves. They would rather die and take everything with them ten amit I have the answer or worse still give me credit for it. S o like always I will have to arrange it just so so that someone else one that people listen to and give them the answer and step back as they take all the credit. 

If I was smarter I would just keep it to myself because society would get what it deserves.