ADOPTIONsucks

When They Give You Back

By V. Martin

When I was eleven I was sent to live with a single lady named Phyllis. I had already been in the system since the age of six along with my brother but they separated us when I was eight. Many, many foster homes later and finally someone might adopt me but not my brother. He was already adopted in Colorado and I hadn’t seen him since nor heard from him. Later, I fund out that he had been writing me but my adopted mother kept the letters from me. It was by accident that I found out, checking the mail before Phyllis got home. She never wanted what was best for me if it was contradictory to what she thought was. Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice enough person, just not to me.

It is my belief that she wanted to get rid of me before she met Frank. (The man she leaves me for) 

My personality leaves a bit to be desired or so I’m told and by people with none what so ever. Anyway, I believe it’s my fault because it keeps happening! At twelve she adopted me but only because my case worker told her if she didn’t she would. I only say this because her daughter was introduced to and started hanging out even came to my 12th birthday “party”. Only 3 people came so it wasn’t much of a party but her daughter was. I, unfortunately, acted like an ass so that was the last time I saw her or because Phyllis adopted me, either way she adopted me because she believed someone else would if she didn’t. 

Not the best way to start a relationship. My life would be so much different now if she had or maybe the same, who knows. All I do know is the one I have and in it she disowns me at fifteen when she met her husband to be. 

She wanted to get rid of me from the beginning because they never introduced me to his kids. His kids kids didn’t even come to the wedding but they came to the reception because I was conveniently made to go decorate the honeymoon car. When I think about it I can still remember the panic look on her face when his kids got there early and I wasn’t in the parking lot. Someone, maybe one of his brothers distracted me with the car thing that was never quite right until it was over.

So, his whole family knew they were trying to get rid of me even participated, no conspired to rid themselves of me. The thing is they never told family court that was why. She never told them she got married because she didn’t want that to be the reason, no they tricked me into saying I didn’t want to be there that way they could blame me and get everyone’s sympathy, like I broke their hearts or something. Thinking about it now I get so pissed off because they suffered no consequences what so ever. I, on the other hand, have suffered far beyond words can even convey, so I won’t even try. 

People with empathy can only imagine, unfortunately, I don’t know any. People treat me like she wanted them to, it is my fault I’m without a family, I chose to have no one and nothing, I chose to live on the streets and get taken advantage of. 

Even now they want me to believe I chose to go back into the system that I rejected them!!! How is this possible? What person or court would believe these outrages statements? The courts and all of society, against all common sense they believe this even now. Even with me saying that is not how it went down! No one not even intelligent, logical human beings, not even a judge of the court heard my words “ I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted!” That is all I had to say and I was sent to an orphanage in Phoenix never to live with them again. 

She found me again some years ago because she was afraid if her husband dies before her who will take care of her? Obviously, she didn’t think his kids would so she so graciously looked me up to make them nervous or jealous or what, I’m not completely sure but it didn’t take long and I haven’t heard from her since. I’m sure once again she is blaming me. All I wanted to know is why she wanted to get rid of me so bad and she accused me of being “negative” so I told her I wouldn’t bother her again and I haven’t.

I find myself missing her, sometimes, but then the pain of being used, yet again, creeps over me and my heart hardens once again.

Why people hate me I wish I knew because I’m a pretty cool person and I’m funny. I’m a lot of fun too and if given a chance can be very handy to have around. I see what most people don’t. My IQ is 137 so I’m not stupid. I have the Astrological chart of a super star and the DNA of a rock star yet without people… Criminals aren’t very supportive of the people they surround themselves with and who was left for me to live with? I was alone, sexually abused, I had PTSD maybe still do because the first time wasn’t enough nor the second time. All I keep thinking is that she had to finish the job. When her life insurance policy on me finally expired so she didn’t get anything but what she put into it motivated her to make sure I was indeed still alive. She was playing the numbers but this time they lied. Haha. 

When you have no one everyone thinks you won’t last long. I get it who wants to live without people? Not many but I do because no matter what they can’t take my humanity and as long as I’m alive I can help other people.

Talk about pissing people off!!!! They use to hate me now they despise me because I help instead of take advantage of and they hate me even more. They recent me for trying to be a better person. They take it personally, like I’m trying to be better then them or make them look bad because I’m trying to do good. People are mother fucking fucked up!!!! Just because I have made it this far doesn’t mean I’m evil it just means I’m stuck because I’ve tried every thing short of pulling the trigger not to be here but life likes me. It’s the only thing that I can think of because technically and if it were anyone else should and would be dead. There is something I’m suppose to do before life will let me out of this living thing but it’s not telling me what it is. I must be getting close because for the first time I got my full Astrological birth chart but it is also the first time that I look it up myself and not someone else so it’s hard for me to know why. 

It does seem as though it belongs to someone else because I’m such a loser but that isn’t all my fault. I surround myself with people that hate me and don’t want anything good for me, especially success. They want to keep me in my place so they can continue to use me.

My adopted mother thinks I deserve it because when I asked her to help me get away from these people.she too blamed me. She had to or admit what she did to me so here I stay. Surrounded by someone whose only intention is to take advantage of me until I kill myself.  It’s all about power and control. When you have no one you’re fairly powerless and a great target for predators. Mine just happens to be a retired teacher and hides behind his education to keep me with him. No one wants to believe that a teacher would do this to someone, only he’s not he’s doing it to me and I’m no one so there is no hope and he knows it. This is my life and I better be grateful for it because it is never going to be any better then this. The man I live with thinks that this is all I should want and because of his I have, what? Nothing and that is all I will ever have. Right now I have a place to live and I would be way more grateful for it if it didn’t come at such a huge price. 

RodneyKing

Dethroned

By V. Martin

After watching the horrific beating that man took by multiple police officers I can barely contain my anger.  Anger at everyone, myself included, for not standing up for this man from the beginning. Those officers need to be held accountable for what they did wether Mr. King believes he deserved it or not. We, no I, know better. No one no matter what they did to get the attention of the police deserve to be beat within an inch of their life, period. Short of molesting a tender age child, that is, for which I don’t believe he did. Anyway, Mr. King, obviously, was beaten so severely that even he believed he deserved it. It makes it easier for him to move on and take back some of the power and control he lost that night. 

There is also another theory that I have and that is the police beat him into it, probably threatening his life and the lives of the people he loves. Telling him with every blow that he asked for it. What did he think would happen? Driving at night through a part of town he had no business in? Who did he think he was? Pain, physical pain, inflicted so cruelly and with night sticks by the very people that are suppose to protect you, changes a person. Fear of it happening again or worse to the people you care most about can be the greatest motivator of all. 

As a society it is our job to protect its citizens when they cannot protect themselves. It is a form of PTSD and that night Mr. King stepped into a war he didn’t know existed or had forgotten he was still a soldier in. The war on drugs was simply a war on chocolate colored people, drugs was just the excuse they used to engage them, brutalize and kill them. 

Unfortunately, it is probably too late to get justice, not only for Mr. King but for his entire family and any people those police officers have brutalized since. Mr. King, I hope you are doing well and please forgive me for not defending you when you could not defend yourself. You in no way deserved what you got unless you were found molesting a tender age child or any child for that matter, which I don’t believe you were. Those cops did not have to beat you, they could have put you in cuffs rendering you defenseless. From what I saw you already were but they kept on hitting, kicking, bashing you with a night stick. They nearly killed you and probably gave you brain damage, that too could contribute to your delusions of asking for it.

Don’t get me wrong, it is in no way your fault. I mean you didn’t have a knife or a gun? I never even saw you try to hit any of them nor put up a hand to block their blows, you just took it and kept on taking it. It’s impossible for me to know exactly how you must have felt or still feel so I won’t pretend to. I have PTSD and I am becoming good at spotting it in others, now, not then. Trauma isn’t hard to spot when it is caught on camera and you know the signs in their reaction. 

I hope to do better going forward.

GreatestGenerationMyAss

 NuclearIsEvil

By V. Martin

Dare I say that the generation they say was the greatest was, in my opinion, the worst.  This is the generation that invented the “A” bomb and dropped two of them on Japan. This is the worst and most devastating act humans have ever perpetrated. Mass murder of innocent women, children, the elderly, the sick, everyone. Sure we warned them to get out but in what language and where we’re they suppose to go? They live on an island. I get that they attacked us at Pearl Harbor on December 7th 1941 and caught us with our pants down, so to speak. What we did to them in return is what we now call over kill since we dropped two. 

It is also my belief that it is why most of the men that fought in WW2 never talk about it. No matter how bad it was for them the Japanese got it much much worse and our soldiers had only one way to honor those we murdered, in silence. Not to mention kicked off our love affair with nuclear power. Like most love affairs it has burned out but the radiation lives on. The rods still need to be cooled, accidents still happen, time keeps ticking and little are being maintained to the standards they should be. I need someone to explain to me how we decided nuclear was the way to go? What words where used what promises were made to get us on board with this “cheap” energy. After Chernobyl any and all such power plants should have been closed yet we built more. WTF? 

Chernobyl is still uninhabitable for more then 5 minutes at a time. Ask the Russians soldiers that stayed there recently. I believe Chernobyl is why Putin is at war with the Ukraines because those are the people from Chernobyl. When they had to flea the radiation they went to Ukraine, safe from the fallout. Not that it was their fault for the meltdown but did they stay for the clean up or warn the rest of Russia what had happened. Only Putin really knows but from his actions this is what I think may be his problem with Ukraine. Not that I am for the war but I can understand the nuclear thing, it has to stop. Chernobyl alone could be causing most of the global warming and we need to do better at finding a solution because it is effecting the whole planet. Covering it up, burying it in concrete is no solution we have to do better. 

We are responsible for the worst acts a human has ever committed and yet we are not held accountable nor do we suffer any direct consequences. It is America that took it apron itself to exploit Mother Nature and her resources. It is America where the automobile was invented jump starting the automotive industry. Americans invented cigarettes, moonshine, and god knows how many other non planet friendly habits. Hell, it seems like America had it out for Mother Nature since the beginning. Other countries didn’t invent airplanes or any of the above because they probably knew better. It was America that taught the rest of the world to strip the planet of all its resources never replacing them with anything but air. 

What’s even better still is that our government picked a very few to cash in on these resources, mostly big campaign contributors. They had to buy their support with something and what better then with something that is free to them but they can charge everybody else for. Money for nothing. 

Now we really get to reap the rewards for all the raping and pillaging we have done. Who sticks up for Mother Nature? The indigenous people but they are feeling global warming more than anyone. Yet we do nothing different. 

It seems to me that we don’t like breathing clean air or drinking clean water. We have known for a long time that we are killing our planet with our bad habits and addictions. 

We don’t like bugs so we invent a plant that slows down their reproductive abilities when they eat it. It has to be better then bug spray, only it is at not killing but preventing the bugs from procreating. Unfortunately, other bugs and animals counted on that bug for survival so their numbers dropped then so did the animals that ate that bird or bug and so on. We are all connected, we cannot do to one and not do it to us all. Our government needs to stop doing everything else until the problem is fixed. Our planet should have priority over everything because without it we are all dead. We should work with Mother Nature not against her and anything destructive is bad, everything we define as progress needs to stop because if it hurts the planet it is not progress that is feeding the problem. 

Obviously, I will not win many friends stating the facts but we need to be more aware of what we do and how it affects the earth.

Oxygen

ABasicNeed

By V. Martin

For the past ten years I have notice an increase use of oxygen by elderly and now even the young. My dog has trouble breathing sometimes, as well. There is now aa increase in respiratory illness and deseases. It is my belief it is directly related to the lack of trees. If you think about it it makes sense since trees provided us with oxygen as they cleaned our air of carbon monoxide. With fewer and fewer trees oxygen is harder and harder to come by. If we’re not careful we will all be hauling around oxygen tanks.

Forests can’t recover as fast as they use to because we don’t have enough birds to fertilize and spread the seeds like they use to. If we don’t do something, like yesterday, we are all going to die. Don’t ask me why I care when I have no children to leave behind to suffer in this world we so carelessly created. Except, there are so many children without anyone and I think of them as my own and I don’t want them to have to worry about anything but surviving.  It’s hard enough navigating this world with a family and almost impossible to do without one.  

If there are people on this planet that will survive everything you or Mother Nature throws at them it will be my children. We are resistant, smart, inventive, creative, and indestructible we will be the ones to find away, no the way will find us and make us live to see another day then another and another… 

Don’t get me wrong, this is not what I want to happen but I see us making no real changes to save this planet and the people that call it home. I think we want to be the last, we like the idea of everything ending with us. Not even our children are important enough to make us do things differently so nothing is. So we will continue to try to breathe without oxygen. We will continue to support nuclear power, which I believe to be killing us. We will continue to fly commercial airlines and travel on big cruise ships. We will continue to throw away batteries, plastics, chemicals, and whatever else we feel like. We will continue to treat water instead of filter it. We will stay happily plugged into the grid, even after it caused one of the costliest fires in Colorado history. Death and destruction are certainly no reason to do anything different.

Not having enough oxygen to support everyone on the planet is going to lead to more illnesses, deseases, of the mind and body. The air we are breathing is full of chemicals and pollution leading to a lot of mentally ill people and without clean air and water things will get worse. 

It is not my intention to be negative or depress anyone it is however, to inspire and/or challenge people to get thinking and coming up with viable answers before it’s too late. I wish I had a million dollars to give away but no amount of money will buy us out of this mess. Maybe if we valued life as much as we do money we would have been more careful with life. Every living thing is connected, you cannot destroy one without destroying all.  

BoredomSucks

 ItalsoCreatesChaos

By V. Martin

Let’s face it most of us avoid being bored at a very high cost. We spend a lot of money on being entertained and we go to great lengths to entertain. With that in mind, police, firefighters, and emergency personnel spend a lot of time being bored. There is no telling when they will be called to an active crime scene. During the time they are waiting they may run through some drills, clean and service equipment, and what ever else to stay busy. It is during this time, I believe, they should be out and about in the communities they serve. Relationships are key to stopping crime. The more involved first responders are with the people they serve the less likely they will commit crime. When people are engaged, when they have a purpose they tend to shine,

Police need to be the example that kids can look up to and aspire to be. Kids use to want to be cops, now they need to kill them or be killed by them. The Federal government needs to stop rewarding the police for the amount of arrest or people in prison, instead give money for the lack of arrest and/or people in jail. It doesn’t matter what the people have done in the past, only what they do going forward. Short of murder, molestation, and child rape, these are unforgivable and deserve prison. 

All I’m trying to say is that a lot of people are mentally ill and just need a reset on what is right and wrong. Others just need a guiding hand. Maybe volunteers, for non violent offenders would or could help  police keep crime from occurring.

Maybe I’m being unrealistic but reality isn’t working and we need to come up with something that does. Give people a chance and we’re all heroes in the making.

Quiet Rage

Screaming Silence

By V. Martin

You know what you did

 leaving me with no one to trust

Apart of you hid

The truth, you feel you must

Be drastic and stop our use of

Plastic it is killing everything

Soon we will all choke

Forget your stupid power stroke

Engines. Maybe we should get 

Creative think outside the set

Not all comes together

No matter the weather

Ha! That rhymes 

Mother fucker and 

Sucker

Together love is forever

But never do I want to be bored

Even if it means my apples

Are never cored

It is in the movement

Not in the pose

So get your nose 

Out of my crotch

You Lume bitch

I left my pussy

With my tushy

So suck it 

Don’t lick it 

Definitely don’t shit

On my parade

Or promenade 

All you Bridgetons

Mother, daughter, father and son

If only my life was like…

Anyone else’s but my own

Then maybe I could atone

But as it is, I have asked for forgiveness 

Not permission it is easier that way

Not everyone wants me to succeed

They would rather I smoke some weed

War is war no matter the venue

Food is food no matter the menu

Forward is the only way if we want to continue 

But distract me all you dare

My ideas I will no longer share

It unless it directly assists me in my quest

I am ready to pass every test

Unless you stand in my way

I hope you won’t unless you pay

In every way possible because you 

Have already costs me enough

You I cannot trust

 

 

 

Together

Apart

By V. Martin

Believe me when I tell that I am not competing with anyone but myself.  There is no level playing field for me to compete on so I gave up long ago on being as good as everyone else.  That doesn’t mean that I stop trying to be the best person I can. As long as I am learning and growing I am proud of how far I have come.  This is not a mean or vindictive attitude but an honest and necessary one.  You see without family or friends you have to get creative and maybe even stretch the truth a bit, to yourself, in order to keep going.