ADOPTIONsucks

When They Give You Back

By V. Martin

When I was eleven I was sent to live with a single lady named Phyllis. I had already been in the system since the age of six along with my brother but they separated us when I was eight. Many, many foster homes later and finally someone might adopt me but not my brother. He was already adopted in Colorado and I hadn’t seen him since nor heard from him. Later, I fund out that he had been writing me but my adopted mother kept the letters from me. It was by accident that I found out, checking the mail before Phyllis got home. She never wanted what was best for me if it was contradictory to what she thought was. Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice enough person, just not to me.

It is my belief that she wanted to get rid of me before she met Frank. (The man she leaves me for) 

My personality leaves a bit to be desired or so I’m told and by people with none what so ever. Anyway, I believe it’s my fault because it keeps happening! At twelve she adopted me but only because my case worker told her if she didn’t she would. I only say this because her daughter was introduced to and started hanging out even came to my 12th birthday “party”. Only 3 people came so it wasn’t much of a party but her daughter was. I, unfortunately, acted like an ass so that was the last time I saw her or because Phyllis adopted me, either way she adopted me because she believed someone else would if she didn’t. 

Not the best way to start a relationship. My life would be so much different now if she had or maybe the same, who knows. All I do know is the one I have and in it she disowns me at fifteen when she met her husband to be. 

She wanted to get rid of me from the beginning because they never introduced me to his kids. His kids kids didn’t even come to the wedding but they came to the reception because I was conveniently made to go decorate the honeymoon car. When I think about it I can still remember the panic look on her face when his kids got there early and I wasn’t in the parking lot. Someone, maybe one of his brothers distracted me with the car thing that was never quite right until it was over.

So, his whole family knew they were trying to get rid of me even participated, no conspired to rid themselves of me. The thing is they never told family court that was why. She never told them she got married because she didn’t want that to be the reason, no they tricked me into saying I didn’t want to be there that way they could blame me and get everyone’s sympathy, like I broke their hearts or something. Thinking about it now I get so pissed off because they suffered no consequences what so ever. I, on the other hand, have suffered far beyond words can even convey, so I won’t even try. 

People with empathy can only imagine, unfortunately, I don’t know any. People treat me like she wanted them to, it is my fault I’m without a family, I chose to have no one and nothing, I chose to live on the streets and get taken advantage of. 

Even now they want me to believe I chose to go back into the system that I rejected them!!! How is this possible? What person or court would believe these outrages statements? The courts and all of society, against all common sense they believe this even now. Even with me saying that is not how it went down! No one not even intelligent, logical human beings, not even a judge of the court heard my words “ I don’t want to be where I’m not wanted!” That is all I had to say and I was sent to an orphanage in Phoenix never to live with them again. 

She found me again some years ago because she was afraid if her husband dies before her who will take care of her? Obviously, she didn’t think his kids would so she so graciously looked me up to make them nervous or jealous or what, I’m not completely sure but it didn’t take long and I haven’t heard from her since. I’m sure once again she is blaming me. All I wanted to know is why she wanted to get rid of me so bad and she accused me of being “negative” so I told her I wouldn’t bother her again and I haven’t.

I find myself missing her, sometimes, but then the pain of being used, yet again, creeps over me and my heart hardens once again.

Why people hate me I wish I knew because I’m a pretty cool person and I’m funny. I’m a lot of fun too and if given a chance can be very handy to have around. I see what most people don’t. My IQ is 137 so I’m not stupid. I have the Astrological chart of a super star and the DNA of a rock star yet without people… Criminals aren’t very supportive of the people they surround themselves with and who was left for me to live with? I was alone, sexually abused, I had PTSD maybe still do because the first time wasn’t enough nor the second time. All I keep thinking is that she had to finish the job. When her life insurance policy on me finally expired so she didn’t get anything but what she put into it motivated her to make sure I was indeed still alive. She was playing the numbers but this time they lied. Haha. 

When you have no one everyone thinks you won’t last long. I get it who wants to live without people? Not many but I do because no matter what they can’t take my humanity and as long as I’m alive I can help other people.

Talk about pissing people off!!!! They use to hate me now they despise me because I help instead of take advantage of and they hate me even more. They recent me for trying to be a better person. They take it personally, like I’m trying to be better then them or make them look bad because I’m trying to do good. People are mother fucking fucked up!!!! Just because I have made it this far doesn’t mean I’m evil it just means I’m stuck because I’ve tried every thing short of pulling the trigger not to be here but life likes me. It’s the only thing that I can think of because technically and if it were anyone else should and would be dead. There is something I’m suppose to do before life will let me out of this living thing but it’s not telling me what it is. I must be getting close because for the first time I got my full Astrological birth chart but it is also the first time that I look it up myself and not someone else so it’s hard for me to know why. 

It does seem as though it belongs to someone else because I’m such a loser but that isn’t all my fault. I surround myself with people that hate me and don’t want anything good for me, especially success. They want to keep me in my place so they can continue to use me.

My adopted mother thinks I deserve it because when I asked her to help me get away from these people.she too blamed me. She had to or admit what she did to me so here I stay. Surrounded by someone whose only intention is to take advantage of me until I kill myself.  It’s all about power and control. When you have no one you’re fairly powerless and a great target for predators. Mine just happens to be a retired teacher and hides behind his education to keep me with him. No one wants to believe that a teacher would do this to someone, only he’s not he’s doing it to me and I’m no one so there is no hope and he knows it. This is my life and I better be grateful for it because it is never going to be any better then this. The man I live with thinks that this is all I should want and because of his I have, what? Nothing and that is all I will ever have. Right now I have a place to live and I would be way more grateful for it if it didn’t come at such a huge price.